Perfectionism.

Perfectionism-the religion one lives by to reach perfection; to do above and beyond; to be superhuman; a one way ticket to high blood pressure, extreme stress levels, and depression with mild success.

I have dealt with perfectionism all of my life:  wanting to be the perfect daughter, a good big sister, the one and only best-best friend of my best friend, the best of the best academically, and the “perfect” Christian.

Christianity

        Home, though I was provided with food, shelter, and clothing, was not a happy place. I felt I could never do anything right; I would never be good enough.  I was the weird one, the “black” sheep, the rocker, the “white girl,” the “devil worshipper”—the list goes on. I was told I was beautiful; it meant nothing to me.  I was told I was loved; again, nothing.  Soon, I became very anti-social, hardly smiled, and friends…who needs them? I wanted to get close to God—the only one I trusted at this point—to understand my life and why things unfolded as they did; I now understand, but then…I was ready to give up.  I had horrible thoughts, lacked emotional attachment, and became indifferent to just about everything.  Needless to say, I gave up on being the perfect Christian.  School was my focus and getting away was the goal. 

Academics

       As a result, I put all of my energy and efforts into being the “best of the best” and getting involved with programs at school. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends at this time or stay afterschool, so books became my friends, and school was a lot easier for me than many of my schoolmates. When I realized I was actually smart, school became my obsession, and I wanted to be the perfect student. Or the It girl, but the academic version. Forget being the perfect daughter, best friend, or Christian.  However, it wasn’t easy. Suicidal thoughts were a norm for me.  Anytime I made a mistake at home or at school (in relation to my courses), I literally beat myself up. I spent most of my time in my room and often abused myself physically (punching myself in the face, pinching myself, punching myself in the stomach, scratching myself), mentally (calling myself stupid, worthless), and sometimes it went so far as to question why I was living. Too much was riding on going to college for me to be making any mistakes.  College was my ticket where out of any place I did not want to be, or so I told myself.  I fretted over B’s, low A’s, and sometimes even high A’s.  A 4.0 was what I was used to; I felt like a failure when I got anything else, despite knowing I did my best.  I stayed up all hours of the night and planned and started clubs (even in elementary school), I ran mini businesses, and made websites to give advice and talk to others about their problems and I would try and support them. It was no secret I was one of the smart kids, and I took it with so much pride that being a nerd was a title I rocked as if someone had called me a “Queen.”  I saw my success in my grades and how I spent my time, and therefore my stress only got worse in high school.

       There was a point in my life where God truly revealed himself to me, and I decided no one was deserving of telling me who I was or what I am capable of. I would either ignore it or prove them wrong. I didn’t like to exchange hurtful words, and I did not like violence, though I was not afraid to resort to this if absolutely necessary, so I turned all that I have suppressed into positive working energy.  I let my success talk for me, and my motto became:  “Success is the best revenge.” Actually, it still is. I worked harder, focused more, and thought positively.  I dreamt big:  going to college out-of-state, debt-free, and being happy.  Those were my three main goals.  These kind of goals don’t come easy unless you are wealthy, and even happiness isn’t guaranteed. I worked hard towards any dreams I had. I practiced dance and yoga from YouTube videos, wrote songs and stories, started programs in school, took upon the top leadership roles, and involved myself with much volunteer work, working to gain “prestigious titles.”  I lost lots of sleep, dealt with tons of stress, and fought through depression and a struggle between self-worth and self-esteem. The perfectionism was still at a mild level by senior year, but this was the year my confidence in myself drastically increased; my self-esteem went through the roof; and happiness began to slowly flow in, and I was finally able to enjoy my accomplishments, including getting into Amherst on a full scholarship.  Seeing my work pay off brought me so much happiness and oddly enough, brought me so much closer to God, though I was nowhere near the “perfect” Christian.

COLLEGE.

        I embraced this place as a way to redefine myself, start new, and get closer to God. As a first year who had never been able to hang out with friends much or do extra-curricular activities outside of school, I literally went insane with extra-curriculars.  I took 5 classes (4.5 credits), and I committed to 23 extracurricular activities.  No, seriously; I committed to all 23. This didn’t seem like a problem to me; I juggled so much back home, and without the duties I had at home, having only school and doing things I love would be a piece of cake.  Boy was I wrong. BIG TIME. My first semester in, I withdrew from Intro to Psych because the grade I would have gotten would have killed me and my transcript, and I received a ‘B’ in dance class.  The dance one wasn’t so bad, but I would have had an ‘A’ if I hadn’t skipped class multiple times.  I had dance right before karate, so often days I was simply exhausted and used class time to catch up on my sleep so I can study and work late that night.  Did I beat myself up? No, but I was sorely disappointed and discouraged.  I often skipped lunch and dinner (sometimes I didn’t wake up in time for breakfast either.) and ran on coffee to study longer and harder.  However, I came out with a ‘B’ average by the grace of God.  Talking to my advisor helped, and opening up to him about everything made me feel better. As soon as I started talking, about 10 years’ worth of emotion poured out of me.   In my wanting to be Superwoman, I had suppressed all of my struggles and pushed through, but I was surprised by how much I had suppressed throughout my life, how much I was hurting, and how much what I was doing was motivated from bitterness and the need to be, or at least feel, self-sufficient and complete.  My sleeping habits were screwed.  My mental health was a mess, and I had run myself ragged.  This carried on into this semester as well, but I was able to be aware of my perfectionism more, enjoy college, and be less concerned with the “results” and enjoy the process. I am now down to 13 extra-curriculars, and I am only taking 4 courses.  Ain’t God good??

        Moral of the story:  You are human.  You will make mistakes, but those mistakes do not define you.  This goes for Christians as well.  People will throw Christian principles in your face as soon as you screw up, and they wait for you to do so.  Just remember:  there is forgiveness when you go to God and ask for it, sincerely intending to turn from your ways afterwards. God is merciful; but often times, people are the very opposite.  Besides, who is fit to judge but God?  Certainly not any of us human beings.  For those of faith and those who do not abide by a religion:  As long as you know that you have done your best, and you can get back up with confidence and try again or at least rethink another plan of action, you win.  It’s OK to fail; it’s a learning process. In fact, I think it’s necessary to fail to bring some of us to the realization that we are not superhuman, and we aren’t meant to be.  As students, it is up to us to be able to enjoy our college experience and not just be concerned with “setting ourselves up for success.” While that is all good and well, I believe being a well-rounded individual, one who can balance academics, extra-curriculars, and have an adequate social life so as to be truly happy, is the way to be truly successful.  In life, or college, it’s not about being the “best of the best;” it’s about being the best you that you can be.  It’s not all about the grades.  It’s mostly about your personal growth and development. Know your limits.  You know what you can handle, and don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed of it. Learn how to not let your past negatively impact your future, but transform your hurt into positive energy.  Learn to truly be happy.