She’s the girl that never has time to eat, but has the time to spend in the gym. She’s your friend that knows exactly how much she weighs—right down to the decimal point. It doesn’t matter how many times you reassure her—in her eyes, she’ll never be thin enough. She’s the girl with an eating disorder and you are the friend standing in the background, unsure of how to help.
One in four college women suffer from eating disorders (Bodily Facts and Absurdities). For every one girl, that means three worried friends are forced to watch their friend suffer with her disease.
There’s no exact formula to helping someone overcome an eating disorder. It’s a mental disease that will take time to overcome. As a friend, focus on being a positive presence in your friend’s life.
1. Give her the positive affirmation needed
When she does eat, even if it’s just a salad, she’s stressed about it. Not a morsel of food can go through her mouth without her thinking about the calories in that bite and how she can burn it off.
“My friend often asks me if it’s ‘okay’ to eat a certain food or skip a gym visit,” says Meghan Frick, a senior at Appalachian State. “I know that even asking those questions represents real bravery for her, so I always try to be as affirming as I possibly can.”
Your friend is opening up to you by asking for your confirmation. Don’t overstep your boundaries and try to get her to eat more. Instead, focus on the progress she’s making on her own. Don’t step in and try to get her to eat more.
2. Help her find resources
Nearly 11 million people (10 million females and 1 million males) suffer from eating disorders in America (National Eating Disorder Statistics: Eating Disorders and Their Precursors). Even so, your friend probably feels alone because she doesn’t think anyone can relate to her. Help your friend find resources that she can turn to… when she’s ready. If you force her go to counseling, then it won’t help her.
3. Don’t let her eat alone
Believe it or not, this advice has nothing to do with you forcing your friend to eat. Above all, never ever ask your friend to eat more.
“If you simply tell your friend, ‘you need to eat’ and helicopter around them until they do eat, you’re taking away that control from them and while that may help in the short term, it certainly will not help in the long term,” says Madelyn Rindal, a freshman at Appalachian State.
All you need to do is be there for your friend. Even if she doesn’t eat, don’t focus on that. Do not get mad at your friend when she doesn’t eat. Don’t berate her—she hates herself already for every bite she puts in her mouth. Every day is a constant battle with food and her body; she doesn’t need someone else nagging her.
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4. Don’t ignore the disease
You wouldn’t ignore a friend if she had cancer so don’t ignore your friend’s eating disorder. You’re not doing her any favors by ignoring the disease. Be careful with how you approach her. Don’t be confrontational. List out your concerns, but back down if she becomes confrontational. Don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor beforehand about your concerns because they can help you address how you should talk to your friend. The National Eating Disorders Association offers great online resources for friends and family.
5. Focus on your friend
There’s a thousand ways to help someone, but there’s only one way that’s going to help your friend. It’s up to you to figure that out.
Madelyn’s friend suffered from anorexia. Her friend felt out of control and focused on those foods that gave herself control. With Madelyn’s help, her friend began to cook more often which gave her a different kind of control over her food.
“When you cook and make your own food, you can control the recipe, the ingredients, and other aspects of the process. It gives you ownership and responsibility over your meal and your body in a much healthier way,” Madelyn says.
Meghan Frick, a senior at Appalachian State, also had a friend who was anorexic. Meghan helped her friend heal by learning what food her friend considered “safe.”
“I feel a little more secure about my friend’s safety knowing that I’m aware of her ‘safe’ foods,” says Meghan. “If she’s acting strange or I can tell she hasn’t eaten, I know I can just order a Jimmy John’s turkey slim and hand it to her, and she’ll eat it. It’s all about finding out the little ways you can help and sticking with them.”
The battle with eating disorders is a lengthy one. It can be battle for a few months, or it could last throughout your friend’s lifetime. Don’t let the eating disorder define your friendship with your suffering friend, rather let the eating disorder strengthen your relationship. She probably needs you more than you think.
Editor’s note: This article is in honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness week (Feb. 26 to March 3). The theme for 2012 is “Everybody Knows Somebody” and hopefully this article can provide guidance to concerned friends.
Sources
“National Eating Disorder Statistics: Eating Disorders and Their Precursors.” National Eating Disorders Association. National Eating Disorders Association. Web. 16 Feb. 2012. <