Keywords: birthdays, feelings, diary
I sometimes wish birthdays didn’t exist or were just normal days. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but the pressure to plaster on a smile and pretend everything’s perfect? It’s exhausting. The forced smiles, the fake cheer, Why can’t it just be a “birthday” without the expectation of constant happiness? I mean, I want to enjoy the day, but can’t I do it without proving it to everyone? And why does this one day have to be perfect when I can physically feel all the forces against me? It is anything but happy.
I meet a stranger. They wish me a happy birthday, and I smile, but I’m afraid a tear will slip away and the facade will crumble. I run back to my room and resort to dealing with stress by panic cleaning. As I am dusting my shelves an old diary falls. This is the diary where I used to write an account of birthdays, and I forgot it existed. It was as if it got buried under a pile of forgotten memories. The pages are worn out, the corners creased. I sit on the floor and begin reading. There is a pang of nostalgia as I flip through them, there are entries from ages 10 to 18. It’s like taking a trip down memory lane, revisiting moments of joy, confusion, and everything in between.
10
Dear diary,
Hi, it’s my tenth birthday. Wow, double digits! Can you believe it? It feels like such a milestone. I can already feel so mature and smart. I’ve decided something – I’m going to write to you every year from now on. I mean, come on, I’m a whole decade old now! Mom made my favorite meal, and I got to wear my favorite dress. My parents threw me a party and got some really cool presents. Plus, in just a few days, I’ll be heading into fifth grade. It’s so exciting. Today was seriously the best day ever,
See you next year.
13
Dear diary
Hi, it’s my 13th birthday. I am finally finally a teenager and no longer a child. I am so excited to explore this new phase of my life. I’ve heard people say that being a teenager is confusing, but honestly, I’m just thrilled. Sometimes I feel like I don’t quite fit in, like everyone else has it all figured out except for me. But as I blow out the candles and make a wish, I hope that things will get better. Today I even got the best surprises from my friends. It feels like the start of something amazing. Maybe thirteen will be a lucky year.
See you next year
16
Dear diary
Hi, it’s my 16th birthday. The “Sweet Sixteen” but honestly, there’s nothing sweet about it. They say it’s the age when you’re at your most beautiful, but honestly, I’m not feeling it. With the pressure of school, friends, boys—everything just feels so overwhelming. It’s like everyone around me is racing ahead, and I wish I could hit pause and catch my breath for a moment. I don’t know why today of all days it feels especially complicated and exhausting. But I guess that’s just life, right? I’m grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. I don’t like to cry on my birthday. I hope the coming year is better. So sick of this teenage, cannot wait to be an adult.
See you next year
18
Dear diary,
Hi, it’s my 18th birthday. I am officially an adult now, I feel goosebumps even while saying this. Turning 18 feels like stepping into a world of possibilities responsibilities. It’s exciting, sure, but also terrifying. Will I be able to handle it? Will I ever figure out who I’m meant to be? School’s over, it’s my last birthday at home before I head off to college, and it’s bittersweet. I’ll miss this place and these people, but I’m also excited to see what’s out there. I spent the day with my friends and I felt truly happy. I miss my best friend, she left for college earlier and I wish she could be here. It’s funny, turning 18 doesnt feel physically different from 17 but so much has changed and so much will change this year. It’s a mix of nostalgia and hope but I guess change is just a part of growing up. I couldn’t help but break down, all of this was overwhelming but I am hopeful.
See you next year
I hug my diary and take a deep breath. Warm tears roll down my cold skin and it almost burns. I leave everything aside and pick up a pen hoping that somehow, writing it all down will make it feel a little less unbearable.
19
Dear diary,
Hi, it’s my 19th birthday. Well, here we are again – another birthday, another year older. But this time, it just feels heavy. I almost forgot to write in you today because, honestly, I wish I could forget my own birthday. It’s like the whole world suddenly cares about me, but in a way that feels hollow and empty. It’s like everyone’s pretending to be my friend just because it’s my birthday, and it’s suffocating. I love my birthday, but right now, it feels like it hates me. Everything feels forced, and I can’t shake this feeling of loneliness. I’m out here in college and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. Mom and Dad sent me a cake and wrote the sweetest messages for me. It made me smile, but it also made me miss home a little more than usual. I have made a few friends here who are sweet but it just doesn’t feel right. I was about to have a breakdown before I found you and then I did have one but looking at the different entries was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. Again so much can change in just a year. I miss the girl I was on my 18th birthday but I am also proud of the person I am today. This year has been hard and scary, filled with moments of doubt and there is just so much burden on this one day to be momentous and the best that I completely forgot it’s literally about how I feel about it, right? I mean it’s okay not to be okay and it’s okay to acknowledge that rather than it being this joyous occasion it was just another…bad day. It’s okay if I make mistakes. It’s okay if I don’t have the best party. I still have so much to learn, I’m only 19 right? I deserve to be easy on myself this year. I‘m allowed to feel this way and that is all that matters.
See you next year
Birthdays are strange aren’t they? Sometimes the tears outnumber the smiles and it’s okay to acknowledge the weight we sometimes carry. If you’re a student, I get that it’s tough being away from home, especially on days like today when you’re longing for that familiar comfort and warmth. Oh the pressure to be happy, the longing for connection, the bittersweet tug of nostalgia. But know that you don’t need a picture-perfect celebration to validate the worthiness of your existence. Because the truth is, birthdays aren’t just cake and wishes; they’re messy, uncomfortable and not always this beautiful journey of being human. Sometimes you lose friends. And then there is the haunting question of whether you’re truly happy on your birthday, remember it’s okay not to have all the answers. It’s okay to sit with your feelings, to let them wash over you like waves crashing against the shore. Because in the end, it’s not about putting on a show for others. Your feelings are valid. It’s your day, right? Do whatever you want, who cares if it’s crying on the floor or painting the pots or partying in a club. If your birthdays are hard for you, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel bad on a day when you’re supposed to be the happiest. It’s okay if you don’t like the bed of roses because you’re scared of thorns. You’ve grown so much and I am proud of you. You will figure it all out eventually, trust me.
The next time someone says “Oh, it’s your birthday, cheer up, have fun, live your life”, yada yada, shove some cake in their mouth (gently). Please be kind to yourself and sleep the entire day or party the entire or both – it’s your birthday and you get to decide. My heart is full of love for anyone feeling this way.
Warm hugs
Tvisha <3
Source of all pictures: Pinterest