Agony Aunt Column

Edited by Sanjana Hira

Dear Aunty ji,

How do I get just the right people to notice my cleavage and others to f*ck off?

Sincerely,

Boobydoo

Dear Boobydoo,

As a proud A-cup holder, I can’t say I’ve had to deal with too many Sleazy Sharaths. But I find that loudly proclaiming the person’s name followed by a short anecdote about how they were looking at your assets, especially in a crowded place, tends to throw them off. You may then proceed to shove your knees against their inguinal canal (in case they don’t back off). 

While many rely on *gag* bras to control their voluptuousness, I say “FREE THEM BOOBIES”. Through a systematic process of cancellation (refer to the previous paragraph), you can eliminate any unwanted attention, leaving you with several choice candidates for marriage. 

What kind of a non-profit organisation charges lakhs for two pieces of chicken?

In anguish,

A Chicken Connoisseur

Dear Chicken Connoisseur,

The same non-profit organisation that charges two lakhs for four pieces of paneer. First its chicken and paneer, then its bathroom passes, and very soon we’ll all find ourselves in a dystopian style fight to the death where the victors get first preference to the courses. What you need to start is an uprising. A revolution. A “lets topple this fascist administration and fight for chicken, rights and chicken rights” type guerrilla warfare.  

But if you don’t have the time or the friends to start an insurgency, it’s also handy to keep a fake moustache on hand so you can double back to get a second serving and they’ll be none the wiser. Bwahahaha. And that, my child, is how you dismantle capitalism.

Which personality should I adopt next to convince myself that I am, in fact, good at everything?

Faithfully,

A girl who’s not good at anything

Dear Girl,

It can be difficult to keep shifting personalities without going full Norman Bates on people. I find that having an unhealthily high self esteem helps with the self confidence. Take me, for example. I have virtually no talents and yet, here I am giving advice to susceptible teenagers. 

So every morning, stand in front of the mirror, play the same Beyonce song on loop (like you’re pumping yourself to commit arson) and go out there and convince everyone else that you’re good at everything. A Swiss Army knife helps the process too.

I get gas when I have black coffee, but when I have a latte, I sleep off halfway through the cup. Even when I have black coffee, it doesn’t kick in till the last 15 minutes of the class or after the class. So, after the class, I am hyper, pumped, gassy and cannot eat/study/sleep so I end up annoying whichever one of my friends who are free then but it usually ends up with a fight about capitalism v/s communism and they get tired and leave me alone. I fear that I’m losing all my friends. So my question to you is, how do I tell my boyfriend that I want a fluffy pillow for my birthday next week?

With unabashed optimism,

Quirky Girl

Dear Quirky,

I am mildly disgusted that you drink black coffee, but no judgement! We don’t do that in Indian families. And we definitely do not drink coffee with milk because coffee breath is real and a threat to the marriage industry. Might I suggest some tea? Green, maybe. It’s good for being slim and trim (I’m not fully sure what trim is supposed to mean but it sounds painful). If you still find yourself falling asleep in class, join Kirdaar, the fear of being sacrificed to the theatre gods will keep anyone awake.

By the way, capitalism v/s communism is not a debate you should be having. Being Ashokan automatically makes you a communist, despite virtually all communist countries being a failure. Oh wait it makes perfect sense then. If you don’t have a picture of Putin riding a unicorn on your wall, you’re doing liberal arts wrong.

Now, the boyfriend. While good sanskari girls do not have boyfriends, only husbands, I’ll let it pass. But fluffy pillows are an indispensable part of human life and if your best male friend does not know that, then feel free to commit credit card fraud. 

Peace out,

Your favourite Mausi

(Send in your questions to Charu Aunty at https://forms.gle/YwWinZuMjeYREQXW9)

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