Alone

Edited By: Anusha Sharma

It’s 2:13 a.m. and I’m on my fifth ‘Manifest’ episode. I sit cross legged on the long grey couch in the Rh4 commons, hours ticking by and my thoughts piling up. Next episode? Yes please. 

It’s 4:20 a.m now. 9th episode. This is the last one, it’s  a loop. Funny how far you can go to escape. Like the intrusive thoughts in my head, people move in and out of the common room. I sit still. 

Two months of being constantly surrounded by people leaves you completely perplexed when you’re left alone. Your social battery runs out and so does  your productivity, and with it ultimately your desire to do anything. The depressing winters don’t help. There’s a general air of annoyance that engulfs me, and I’m caught between the conundrum of being left alone and wanting to be taken care of. It almost feels unnatural to be with myself, to be left alone with my thoughts, to finally hear them. I don’t think I want that. I desperately wait for the next episode button, realising that the season is finally over, and with it my escape. 

After another hour of frantically trying to start a new show or a movie, I finally give up. It might be better to work? But I feel agitated, there’s something not quite right. There used to be a time I was content with being left alone. I liked being in my head, my space. Then the stress hit, and all of a sudden my mind was clouded with constant reminders of everything I was not doing. It was like my space was taken over by an intruder. I could never go back. I filled up my days with activities, events and people, trying to kill two birds with one stone. This way I was constantly doing ‘something’ and I didn’t have to confront the voices in my head. I think it’s finally time to go back. 

The temperature is 14 degrees and I’m already cursing myself. Stupid brain, stupid thoughts, stupid cold. I would probably call up a friend, but i’m mentally too exhausted to hold any semblance of a conversation with them, they are all in different time zones anyway. Sorry excuse. I decide it’s just me, myself and I tonight and that’s it, with of course my favourite sad playlists. 

As soon as I start walking towards the library cafe, tightening my shrug around me and listening to a very weird mix of Prateek Kuhad and Taylor Swift, I feel free. In the second the cold wind hit my face and the music drowned my ears, I was filled with a rush of adrenaline and exhilaration. This could be fun. As I kept walking, I gently picked all the voices in my head, breaking them down and occasionally talking back to them (I’m so sorry if you saw me I swear I’m not crazy). 

‘You’re not good enough.’

‘No one actually loves or likes you.’

‘You aren’t working hard enough.’

‘You aren’t really enjoying college.’

‘Why aren’t you at every Thursday night party’

‘Why are you at a Thursday night party?’

‘Your college fits are terrible?’ (This one surprisingly hurt the most)

After an hour of walking, the thoughts didn’t disappear. Hell, they didn’t even lessen. While I couldn’t make peace with them (there’s no way my fits are trashy), I understood them a little better, and they understood me. I realised that I wasn’t a stranger in my head, but I did have the most terrible roommates. But like most bad roommates, they could be dealt with. If not loved, they can be tolerated. My mind had changed, and so had I. While I may be alone sometimes, I was never lonely. I had friends and family a call away, books that keep me up at night, music that calms me down, food that makes me happy; but most importantly, I had me. 

I can’t love myself overnight, but I can sometimes love my company, and the calm and peace it brings. Night time walks would soon become a ritual, sometimes alone and sometimes with friends, but I would always spend some time in my head just listening to what I have to say. The walks helped me process my day, connect with myself and reflect. They keep me grounded. Another incentive to take the walk (apart from hitting 10k steps) is dosai filter coffee, and with the rush of serotonin. 

Take out some time for yourself each day, it could be walking, painting, dancing, reading anything. With finals just around the corner and stress and anxiety at its absolute peak, god knows you need it. 

• #selfcare
• love
• mental health