Edited by Aahana Banerjee
I AM A MOSAIC OF EVERYONE I’VE EVER KNOWN. MY COMFORT FOOD IS THE FOOD MY 9TH GRADE BEST FRIEND INTRODUCED ME TO AND I WEAR MY HAIR THE WAY THE GIRL WHO SAT NEXT TO ME IN BIOLOGY CLASS USED TO. I AM A MOSAIC OF EVERYONE I’VE EVER KNOWN AND LOVED.
The transition from high school to college brought with it a fair share of changes, and I found myself seeking advice from everyone possible on how to handle changes and all the new beginnings it comes with. I always hated change: I was in the same school for 14 years, and have lived in the same house since I was 3 months old. It took me a while to realise that it wasn’t the new beginnings accompanying change that I hated; it was the endings.
All my life, I have been sad about the inevitable endings that linger around every happy moment, every memory. I’ve always felt the ache of anticipating an ending years before it actually came. The magnitude of something passing by, of never being able to return to a moment, scares me.
MY ENGLISH TEACHER TAUGHT ME TO WRITE MY NOTES WITH HEADINGS IN BLACK WITH THE REST IN BLUE. I CARRIED A BLACK PEN AND A BLUE PEN TO ALL MY CLASSES TODAY BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO WRITE.
My high school graduation brought with it waves of sadness which had more to do with the fact that my school experience was over rather than the people I was leaving behind. The feeling of always being at a loss for time reached the point where, in every happy moment, I was sad about the fact that it was going to end. If everything came to an end, then what was the point?
There was a Winnie the Pooh quote that I once read, but only recently understood. It says ‘how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye, so hard’. It made me realise that an ending only matters when there is something to lose. Being in a position where I have something to lose, where I have people in my life who hold enough value to make a difference is something that I have learnt to be grateful for, and will always be grateful for.
A BOY I SNUCK OVER AT 16 MADE CHEESE SANDWICHES IN A PAN INSTEAD OF A GRILLER AND I HAVE NEVER MADE IT ANY OTHER WAY. I DRIVE BAREFOOT BECAUSE THE BOY I LOVED AT 16 DROVE BAREFOOT. THEY MAY NOT BE IN MY LIFE ANYMORE AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT BUT THE PAN-TOASTED CHEESE SANDWICHES AND DRIVING BAREFOOT WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE.
There is sadness in holding parts of someone who is no longer in your life so deep within you that they have become a part of you, and even more sadness when you realise that you don’t know whether they do those same things anymore. Because the truth is, there are people we once knew who we can still write books about. But there’s nothing to do with all those small things you know about them, because they’re not here anymore. And somehow, that’s okay.
I LOVE MYSELF BECAUSE A PERSON I MET IN 2021 TAUGHT ME HOW TO. THEY WERE ONLY IN MY LIFE FOR 7 MONTHS BUT I THINK AND TALK THE WAY I DO BECAUSE THEY TAUGHT ME TO I WILL NEVER GET TO TELL THEM HOW ETERNALLY GRATEFUL I AM FOR EVERYTHING THAT THEY TAUGHT ME BUT I AM. THEY TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE AND BE LOVED AND IT STAYED WITH ME, IT STAYS WITH ME ON THE WORST OF DAYS.
It’s okay because these endings brought me to the people I have in my life right now, who I wouldn’t give up for the world. To my favourite people, I will always twirl inwards while slow dancing, and eat seeds after a heavy meal, and use a blowdryer under a blanket when I’m cold, and eat my dosa with schezwan and cheese. You are all the branches on my tree that I hope never fall off <3.