Edited By: Mythili Kamath
Recently, I stumbled upon the notes app on my old phone. I had several notes on the most random topics typed out. However, the ones that caught my attention were the ones where I had expressed myself. I remember reading a beautiful poem written by 14 year old me and I couldn’t believe it was my creation. The creativity, intricacy of thoughts and the cleverness by which it was all woven together was commendable. I was more appalled by the fact that I might not be able to create such things ever again.
Last semester one of my professors asked our class “What do you actually do for yourselves? What do you do in your free time?” That question hit hard. What do we actually do for ourselves? Do we even have free time to do something for ourselves? Academics are the least of our problems. There are internships, clubs and societies, social life, networking, college fairs, seminars and the newly acquired independence that makes the aforementioned elements even possible. One can say we are studying and working hard today to make a better future for ourselves, but I think my professor wanted us to see what is happening to our present as a result of that.
I observed that every minute of my day is spent chasing something or the other :
How should I do my assignment to increase my chances of getting a better grade?
What is trending on Instagram?
Is there some project I can undertake to make my resume look better?
Should I meet my friends for dinner at the dhaba?
The noise is too loud.
By the time I get what can be described as “free time” –which is honestly just me ignoring piles of work that aren’t due in the immediate future– I am physically and mentally exhausted.
Don’t even get me started on the guilt associated with just doing nothing for once. You will be able to feel the whole universe telling you, “OHH so you took some time out for yourself? Now you will regret it. Here’s more work.” The whole world moves 10 years into the future in the 10 minutes you disconnected from your surroundings to take a breather. You would have missed 5 good internship opportunities, 2 deadlines you didn’t know existed, half of the workforce of a multimillion dollar company getting sacked and Rihanna releasing music after 6 years.
This inability to stop everything for a moment and do nothing leaves little room for introspection and observation. When I am not working, I find myself thinking about what I have to eventually work on. One can say taking up less things might help me explore my interests but at the same time it’s difficult to deal with the FOMO. The amount of content that is laid out for us to consume everyday is huge. As far as academics is concerned, there are a plethora of courses that we can take. Thousands of internship opportunities are posted daily. Now, as things are moving offline, there are multiple events. One can’t help but sign up for a lot of things. Moreover, we have the internet at our disposal to get news from any part of the world. The millions of podcasts expose us to a diverse range of ideas and our brain seems to think all of them are important, but are they? Do I really need to watch 5 people have an hour long discussion on cryptocurrency?
I always wonder how I was able to observe the tiniest things when I was young. The absence of this huge amount of content from my life allowed me to explore and make an attempt to understand the universe. When I was 14, I was especially fond of writing stories about alternate realities and characters having a common American name with a sad backstory. Difficult days would end with me just ranting on my notes app. The amount of fan-fiction I consumed till 5 in the morning could not have been healthy but I had ways to express the content that I consumed. The late night conversations I had with my friends discussing fan-fiction or a book I recently read or making our own versions of interesting tumblr conspiracy theories are unforgettable. Most importantly, there was clarity of thought back then and maybe it was because I had the time to pause and think. As I grew up, the noise around me grew louder and I stopped hearing my own thoughts.
Yes, I am no longer 14 and I have more responsibilities now and like they say, “Life is a race … If you don’t run fast… you will be like a broken andaa…” (please treat yourself if you get the reference). But, the biggest lesson I have learnt this year is even at times when I have a lot of work, I can still make time for myself. Even though I may have exams coming up, I can still take some time to just turn on some music and dance in my room. Even if I don’t read 35 articles about American midterm elections, everything will be fine. My brain and I need rest from time to time and that is okay. Turning down the outside volume, slowing down and raising the volume of my own thoughts for a while is the best thing that I did for myself.