Yes, I will sign a contract with you.
It is you, who has asked. How can I not?
We’ll have rules, and boundaries, and our full names signed below as promised.
And my heart as collateral.
You will hold this over my head and I over yours.
Because we’re both terrified, and too egoistic to admit it.
We will kiss and then trick ourselves into believing it is all but casual.
And follow staunchly the only rule we agreed upon.
We won’t fall in love.
There will be dates where we hold hands and share popsicles under the sun and you will tell me about the day you pranked your sister and the family vacations that taught you laughter and the art of being alive. When you kiss me mischievously behind the washroom doors of the fancy cafes you’re so well versed with. When we walk the city like it’s our oyster and discover places and things we only enjoy with each other. We will be each other’s lobsters, hand in hand. I will watch you like the sunset, and you will watch out.
There will be nights when you hold me so close to yourself that I will feel like we’re merging. When you tell me about your deepest fears and something which happened 10 years ago that changed you forever. You will weep, and I will keep you safe in my arms, like I don’t have to let you go in the morning. You will kiss my neck when I squirm with anxiety and your fingers on my waist will fix everything. Temporarily. I will ruffle your hair with adoration, only for us to treat each other as cordial strangers in the morning. With your hands all over me, constantly, you will charm me into thinking I am the prettiest girl in the world.
And I will believe you.
You will cradle your head on my shoulder and steal my arm away, intertwining your fingers like they would fit in no other hand better as we sit to finally watch your favourite movie. And you will be red in your cheeks and laugh when you look at me directly in the eyes.
And I will look at you like you are art.
And you will still wake up and pretend that it never happened.
It will be a habit. And I will memorise you with a full heart.
Knowing I will have to unlearn you before I can get enough.
I don’t think I ever will.
I will ignore the pit in my stomach each time I realise I am too naĂŻve to think you are mine.
And we will both master the skill of not talking about the elephant in the room.
You will say it’s just casual and I will be nonchalant.
Till I go scream into my pillow later that night.
Because we both are stubborn liars too scared to be lonely, and too in love to admit it. Why do we never learn? Love doesn’t come without its stakes, and no. I cannot lose you.
How will I, if you were never won?
Keep it temporary. Keep it casual. It will work so well, we won’t even have to acknowledge the pain.
When all we will do is drown in it.
And when we look into each others eyes they will talk only about love, and mock how stupid we are to talk about the weather. I will love you like my favourite secret, and you will take it to its grave and bury it alive. And I’ll help.
So I’ll never actually say it, I altered the rule a little, and maybe I fell in love.
I will rationalise it by thinking it’s only till our expiration date.
We have one, don’t we? I keep forgetting.
Purposely falling out of love cannot be that difficult. You will be a player and it will be easy for me to get over you with all the break up songs and girl trips. I will drink and burn your photo, and fall asleep the same night with your face engraved in my mind.
It was never a ‘real thing’, of course. How are we supposed to mourn something that never existed?
I will convince myself that you were just a comely nightmare.
And you will find comfort in that placation.
Because you might just realise that you feel it all very deeply too.
And it terrifies you.
Because love, for us is a disease.
A disease, yes. It has been one from the very beginning.
And we have contracted it.