Edited by Shivani Panigrahy
The human brain is quite adept at noticing departures from common patterns. This is both an advantage and a disadvantage. While this allows the brain to identify and subsequently create useful patterns, something which has made possible all the wonders of the modern world; it also makes it vulnerable to a compulsive habit of sorts. This habit is characterised by many names: nit-picky, hypercritical, fastidious and fussy but to me, it is just fault-finding. It is an art whose taste is acquired at an early age. Children are by nature very hands-on, driven to act without intellectualising their actions, a will which is overthrown by the entrance of parents. “Son, the garden is not safe, wear your slippers and go”, “Daughter, don’t go out in the rain, your clothes will get soiled” and so on. This is followed by a horrific school education where seemingly harmless but actually sinister grammar exercises like “Pick the odd one out”, “Identify the wrong tense” and “Choose the right sentence” promote fault-finding. Those who evade these artificial attempts to contract the fault-finding bug are met with nature’s very own transmission mechanism: adolescence. As the floodgates of hormones are opened in the body, the brain becomes sharp and discerning. This Maths teacher is boring, that girl on the first bench is cute and broccoli sucks, these statements are all nothing but the symptoms of this disease.
You might say, “Well, fault-finding isn’t all bad, in fact, it is necessary for life”. I agree wholeheartedly, but like most things, we do a poor job in regulating ourselves. I am sure many of my readers will have embarrassing and even upsetting past experiences where they let fault-finding get the better of them, for I certainly do. In order to lessen my burden and perhaps encourage others to do the same, I will share such a memory with you. I was in the habit of changing a lot of schools due to my father’s transferable job. As a result, I had to make and unmake a lot of friends in a lot of different schools. The experience was emotionally jarring to say the least. In one such school, I made a friend and we used to sit together during classes. Once, my pencil was absent from my stationary box. Alarmed and agitated, as children at that age usually are, I began looking for it and the search lasted a few days. I also thought that maybe someone had stolen it, it was not uncommon in the school I was in at the time. I contemplated confronting my friend and even thought ill of him, presuming his guilt. That soon grew into heated verbal arguments and before I knew it, I had ruined a perfectly good friendship. The pencil was later found in my own house, under some hard to reach furniture. I apologised and regained my friend’s trust later on only to lose touch due to another transfer; so it wasn’t the temporary loss of his friendship which bugs me.
This very act of being critical of others itself is fraught with some very disturbing results. To begin with, when I see faults in others, it is these faults which occupy my mind. As a result, I think and subconsciously begin doing those same things I criticise others for, the textbook definition of a hypocrite. Or, I criticise someone for being, say, unpunctual while I myself may not be unpunctual but untrustworthy instead, something that is conveniently ignored by me so that I feel good about myself. This does two things. One, it makes one more irritable, egotistical and quick to take offence. This is because we fail to see and appreciate the good in people around us. Absent this most basic trait, most of our relationships don’t last. Second, it takes up our valuable mental real-estate and energy, all of which could be better utilised in self-improvement and helping others by caring for them.
It is hard to change. Yet, people have done so and they are better off. Who wouldn’t like an easy-going childlike disposition which trusts easily and is instantly likeable because of its genuine unselfishness. 21st-century cynics may not like the tradeoffs of this situation but they are really missing out. Life is too short for us to be grumpy about what’s wrong with it. Accepting it as it is and letting go of all our mental baggage should be top on our priority list. To start with, begin by observing the good qualities of those around you. Maybe try complimenting them for that. The warm smiles that these thoughtful compliments elicit, are a reward in themselves. Next, turn the critical gaze inwards, if you want to, try being hard on yourself. You won’t like it very much. Eventually your critical mindset will be mellowed, you will grow less stressed as a result. Well, I can’t wait to make some progress on this path. What about you?