I walk towards the finish line. A spot I can see from afar. I am running after it. I am 18. Life seems so perfect when you live in that world. The world of ‘I will keep in touch, don’t worry’. Those relationships with friends and family don’t ever remain the same. I’ll say “I miss you” to the ones once dearest to me, but when did I call?
Is it a matter of time or one of effort?
I need to build my career. Of course I do, I’m in my 20s, I’m in college. There is nothing else after this. I am the adult. How do I become the adult when all I’ve done is chase? I can’t get an A in this, I need to work on this story, I need to get a publication, what is happening with my internship? I have a paper due tomorrow and 10 other things I need to work on. I think I need to sit down for some time but there is no time. I need to finish this work and go out and enjoy my time with my friends. These are the memories that will last. College is the best time of my life. I’ve got to make it last. I have to take something out of it. I can never seem to figure it out. No matter what it is, it is something I am losing out on. I need to make money. I need to get a good job. What is it that I really need in life? To live or to love?
Is it a matter of time or one of effort?
I love writing. It is the reason I am here, doing this degree. The life I want to build revolves around it, but if it isn’t for an assignment, I am not writing. My notes app sits as empty as my mind right now. What can I do? How do I find the time to write if I can’t find the time to think? I need to rest, but how do I do that? I chase and I chase. I see no end. I swim and I swim just to never see the end of the pool, running out of breath.
Is it a matter of time or effort?
How do I process my emotions when time slips through my fingers that fast? In the blink of an eye it is all gone. I’m 20 now. Soon I will be done with college. I bought myself a journal on my birthday this year. It is pink and it is perfect –perfectly gathering dust on my bookshelf with dozens of books I am yet to read. How can I be an adult when I am not even in the driver’s seat of my life? I need some time to think. I need myself back.
Is it a matter of time or one of effort?
Is there enough time to spend with everyone I love? It seems as though there isn’t. I can race and race and race piling every stone onto myself but will it ever be enough? Will the time ever be enough?
Two sisters fight.
The empty pit in my stomach somehow not enough
for me to be exhausted.
The aching heart a part of this tragedy
brings up the lost, the buried
hatchet
I huff and I pant
I cannot rest
People, once like family, leave. A hole in your life and then you wonder, is it all worth it? Is a life that is stuck in the balance between love and time, even one you want? Is it all worth it? I don’t want to see your ugly. I want to see your love.
Is it a matter of time or of effort?
Just slow down for once.
I walk towards the finish line and can’t anymore see where it ends. I can’t win this race of time and I’m only 20.
A sister to me, our fights of one as well. So why is this question of time the one that broke us? I want to give it all, if I had it. Take the driver’s seat and run. I’ll take it all to keep you, to keep you the same. I wish you could see, it wasn’t a matter of time or effort. I wanted to keep you till the buzzer rang but I guess our time ran out together before the time we had on this earth did.
We will ride this roller coaster to its end, or our own ends.