Edited by: Mythili Kamath
The eccentric stragglers have now left the gym. The guard on duty is fast asleep. It is half past midnight on a relaxing Friday night. An eerie pall descends over the gym with all its metallic occupants – as if the vaporous sweat of afternoons past is making its way out to join the clouds. The rafters stir, a lost pigeon bangs his head against the ventilation. Suddenly, from the dimly lit corners of the gym, through a rising but abrupt din of metal hitting the floor, words begin to form. It’s the barbell, shaking off a loose plate. A stray dumbbell rolls off the stand and joins its brethren near the bottom of the rack. The machines too, creak and release their tension. Bit by bit, the gymnasium comes alive, ready to pronounce judgement over the events of the week bygone.
“Ironies and Ironmen, we are gathered here on this fateful night to reflect upon what transpired in the last seven days,” declared the most seasoned of the barbells, who occupied the pride of place on the squatting rack. Everyone now directed their attention to the leader of the Treadmill faction, who always opened the discussion as a consequence of being the most used machine in the gym. “This week saw a steady growth in the number of new feet which trod upon us. To be precise, we are seeing a 28 percent week-on-week increase in the numbers. A welcoming trend is the increased participation by Men, albeit in our considered opinion, it is merely to prolong proximity with the Ladies they often accompany or hope to, in any case.” Amidst suppressed laughter, the Dumbbell’s chosen spokesperson, the diminutive 5 KG began her address, “Dumbbells retain their popularity even amidst the increasing exodus to body weight and machine exercises. However, we once again would like to protest the ill-treatment meted out to us by our users. Some don’t even have the decency to handle us using their hands, choosing instead to kick us away, like some rock by the roadside.”
At this, a lot of the other gym equipment let out a collective sigh. They longed for the most basic modicum of respect from those who used them. They remembered the old days when their ancestors were handled with a certain solemnity. In India, the equipment used by the wrestlers was regularly oiled, treated with reverence and even worshipped. In many gyms around the world, it was a basic convention to never handle weights with feet and re-racking was compulsory.
Nevertheless, the helplessness of their situation was not lost on them and so they had resorted to mocking their users as one of the ways to cope with their trauma. In doing so, the barbells were by far the most comically gifted. They proceeded to list out the archetypes of gym-goers they had observed this past week. “First, we have the much reviled Gym-Bro. The haughty know-it-all who pretends that he was born in the gym, treating it like his playground. Channelling inner insecurity into excessive displays of reckless weight lifting, all the while smugly judging others, is the defining feature of this type.”
“No list would be complete without mentioning the great trainer schism. Many moons ago, there was a wheel then it became two and so, the bicycle was born. It soon became the undisputed means to rock-solid quads. However, it was not meant to last long.
A freak of nature, which could target the glutes came to be, the dreadful cross trainer. Even to this day, there is an extreme unease between the two so much so that it is sacrilege for a leg day to have them both. This kind of animosity is also why some gym goers have sworn a blood oath to never lift weights, while certain others are reminded of a hamster’s wheel when looking at a treadmill. For this reason, the former are subjected to broadsides like “Do you even lift, bro?” while the latter are sneered at for having “chicken legs.”
Sensing their chance, the disenfranchised yoga mats began to voice their complaints, chiefly about how their ostracisation should end and showers be made compulsory for the sweaty sophomores. Ironically, their lack of metal was their undoing as their pleas were drowned out by the others. The senior barbell now spoke, to conclude the meeting. “As this gathering draws to a close, let us take a moment to appreciate those dedicated ones who respect the gym and its equipment. Those who understand what the Gymnasium represents. The Ancient Greeks thought of the Gymnasium, much like their Indian counterparts, who conceived of the wrestling pit or Akhara, as a temple of holistic learning. In these spaces, one would train with discipline, the vehicle for the soul that is the human body. The word gymnos, which means naked in Greek, is not just the preferred attire of those who came to the Gymnasium at the time. It is also the shedding of one’s ego and status outside the gymnasium. Everyone is welcome at the Gymnasium. More importantly, for the task of conquering oneself, everyone must be willing to learn, to give respect and earn it themselves. Let us hope that the ethos of what a gymnasium represents becomes more well-known, and its benefits more widespread.”