Twentieth Lap Around The Sun

Edited by: Pratyusha Gupta

Last week I turned twenty. Twenty. Yes, you heard me right. I officially entered the infamous roaring twenties and boy do I feel old. Dramatic, aren’t I? As one more candle pierced through my childish choice of double chocolate truffle cake, (with extra sprinkles), my perfectly nineteen candles made a friend. 

As my twentieth year envelops me in this unnerving world of adulthood and big decisions, there are a few things I must confess…

1. I still sleep with my stuffed animal from when I was seven, and yes he has a name. 
2. That friend who broke my heart and isn’t much of a friend anymore- I miss her every day. 
3. Trial rooms in stores scare me, more than anything. 
4. I always leave the last bite. Of everything. Yes, it’s silly, and no, I don’t know why I do it. 
5. I’m scared I’ll give all my love to the wrong boy, again. 
6. I still look under my bed sometimes. Not always for monsters but for the comfort of knowing that some childish fears never really leave you. 
7. I tell myself I’m living each day like it’s my last, but I fear I’m just existing.
8. I tell white lies to save bleeding hearts. 
9. I find every reason to drop in my two cents, in ANY conversation.
10. I’d much rather spend a Thursday night wrapped up in blankets and instant ramen than secondhand smoke and small talk. 
11. I’m terrified to put on that dress I bought but never wear. 
12. I have a folder of unsent letters to my future self. Not because I have lots to tell, but because I’m terribly afraid of forgetting who I am right now.
13. I’ve kept every letter I’ve ever received, and often I read them just to hear the voice of a whispering heart, too afraid to speak.
14. I’ve been more loyal to dreams and journal entries than to people and places. The musings in my heart are the patchwork of my soul and I hold them the tightest, in fear of their fraying in the brittle realities of the real world. 
15. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t good at comfort. I got so busy tying other people’s loose ends, that I left my own heart untied.
16. The bravest thing I ever did was love someone with all my heart who loved me with just a singular cell. 
17. I dance like no one’s watching, only when no one really is. 
18. I save concert tickets and restaurant bills to remind myself of the fleeting moments of my favorite lyrics and iced teas I loved. 
19. I’m deathly afraid that I’ll never live up to my truest potential. 
20. I waited nineteen years to turn twenty, and now I wish I could rewind the clock a year. 

As I dive headfirst into my twentieth lap around the sun, I can’t help but feel a bittersweet crack in my heart as I bid farewell to my teenage years. 

To the last nineteen years: I’ve loved life & I’ve lived life. I’ve had the best times and the lowest lows, but I’ve been grateful for the cards I have been dealt; no matter how unlucky. And boy does my luck suck. 

As the big 2 0 approaches, I hope it’s exactly what I’ve envisioned- a glimpse into adulthood. I hope I learn to love myself the way I always should have. I hope I confront my fears of expression and begin to value my heart and mind like I deserve to. I hope I attract the energy I’ve always needed to uplift me and help me grow into who I need to be. I hope I find people that love me for me and allow me to be her. I hope I stay passionate about the things that make life worth it. I hope I put on my rose-tinted glasses and see the world as a bit brighter than it really is. 

Dear 20, I hope you’re what I’ve always needed. 

• Ashoka Univeristy
• birthdays
• confessional
• growth
• introspective