Weekly Column Series: Horoscopes Pt.1

On Horoscopes: Ragalika Veeranala

For people fixated on reading horoscopes, you need to take a nap – a really long nap. When you wake up from your nap, if you still feel like checking your horoscope, take another nap. If you still have not given up on knowing what the stars and planets and everything up there on the sky think you should be doing with your life this month, come back to my piece and read the rest of it. 

Now that you are here, I can’t really send you back. So, I will just give you some advice that wouldn’t make you like me any better, but will definitely make you think before you want to read horoscopes again. 

If costar were to fix your life, you wouldn’t even be reading this sentence because you would be doing far more important things with your time. Tarot cards are cute for decoration and work well as coasters, but if you think it is going to tell you whether or not your partner loves you, I am sorry to disappoint you. You just have to trust your judgement on that matter, and all the best for that. All I am saying is take responsibility for things you have already done, and take initiatives for things you want to do. Please don’t wait around for a disinterested writer of the horoscopes column of your favourite magazine to tell you what to do.

Now, go take another nap.

Become an Astrologist in Just 5 Easy Steps!: Miloni Shah

Did you know that you can create horoscopes just as accurately as your favorite astrology website? That’s right, you can become an exceptional astrologist and impress your best friend; you can warn them against the trauma they are about to experience this month. All you have to do is follow these easy steps.

1. Write the most vague statements you can think of.
2. Write positive content but sprinkle some negative statements for credibility.
3. Subtly make references to desirable future outcomes. 
4. Add the phrase “at times” wherever you can. 
5. Don’t put in too much effort. Your readers will believe anything you write.

After all, horoscopes are fake. Ask Bertram Forer if you disagree. 

He came up with the Barnum effect, a psychological phenomenon that explains why you believe in horoscopes. Since the statements are vague, you interpret your own meaning and mistake it for accurate predictions. You may read the statement “You are often very good at compensating for your weaknesses” and say, “That’s so me!” No bestie, that’s so everyone. That information resonates with everyone because that is how it is designed. You are just being fooled by people who are bored with their lives and have nothing else to do. So don’t be gullible the next time you see the horoscope section in your daily newspaper. Horoscopes are not real. 

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