I’m not a girl, not yet a woman

Going through my old pictures seemed to be the most interesting activity that would enable me to go back down memory lane. Unfortunately, in the middle of this “interesting” activity, reality sudden hit me with so much force that I couldn’t bear it.

I really was growing up, and the thought scared the wits out of me. It seems like yesterday when I was in sixth grade, and I had no care in the world. I could just be me without any responsibilities and emotional baggage. No Human Event papers, no maturity required, no need to plan for the future and definitely no time to worry about  clothes and accessories (we wore school uniforms everyday).

Within the blink of an eye, I had grown up.  I could even notice a change in the way my family perceived me. I  began to get a lot of likes on Instagram and Facebook, because I was growing into a role model to some. I began to stand out. I became assertive and outspoken. I became a rational being, who poured a lot of thought in all of her actions. I started reading too much into everything.

Yet still, there were times when that little Shantel back from sixth grade resurfaced, and impulsively made irrational decisions that the older me had to fix. There are still times when the younger me feels like watching Starstruck for the tenth time, or listen to High School Musical songs all day.

At those times, I feel like I’m only growing up in terms of age, but everything else about me remains stagnant.

There are also times when the older version of me takes over, and I find myself over analyzing the simplest of situations. I try to become responsible for everyone, to an extent that I get all bent out from the stress that comes with it.

Bottom line – my two selves are almost always at conflict. They more or less desire contrasting things all the time. Over the past year, I have found myself questioning my maturity and my judgement almost everyday. Am I still a girl? Or am I now a young woman?

Like Britney Spears, I only have one plea to the world, “All I need is time whilst I’m in between.”

When that time is over, hopefully, I would have merged all my two selves to become a young woman-ish girl! Whatever may come then, I will be ready to face it. However, for the time being, I will just make the most of being in between.

• adjusting
• mid college crisis
• transitioning