If Midwesterners Were Honest

Midwestern Ice or Midwestern Nice?

One of the best parts about going to school in the Midwest is that Midwestern hospitality. Everyone here just seems so nice. Although, every once in a while, I feel some Midwestern silent hostility. The subtlety and frequent smiles make it difficult to know whether someone is being passive aggressive or just really nice. Over the years, I’ve developed a keen ear for these comments and created a translation. For those of you who are new to the Midwest, here is a list of phrases that seem Midwestern Nice, but are really cases of Midwestern Ice.

Are you sure you’re going out?

I’m going to pretend that I’m concerned, but I’m actually hard core judging you right now.

That’s fine.

I can’t believe you just did that.

Not everyone can be as [insert adjective here] as you!

Dear God, why are you like this?

No, I’m not mad!

I’m going to give you the cold shoulder for a couple weeks. Just a heads up.

I could never pull that off!

Sweetie, you can’t pull that off.

That’s different.

That’s super weird.

Not to be rude, but…

I’m about to say something incredibly offensive, but we’re both going to pretend it’s fine.

You look so comfortable!

Honey, are sweats all you own?

Oh, I would get dessert too, but I don’t want to feel guilty.

Looking chunky there, Karen.

That’s so great! Especially for someone like you.

This one is self-explanatory. Just steer clear of anyone who says this to you.

Also, beware of the well-placed backhanded compliments.

One of my favorite examples:

Stephen: Hey, I’m trying out for a play!

Pamela: Oh, you would make such a great addition to the chorus!

Maybe some of these are well-meaning people. But who really knows? To keep yourself safe, be ready with an overly-enthusiastic “thhaaaaaanks.”

• campus life