What does it mean to “come out”?
I’m sure at least some of those reading this have heard the phrase “in the closet” or “closeted” in reference to an LGBTQIA+ individual. It’s usually contrasted to “coming out” or “being out”, which (in its most basic form) simply means that someone else knows your identity – be it gender identity or sexuality, to be out means to have your queer identity shared. It’s extremely important to remember that coming out is a choice, not a requirement. For some, it’s incredibly freeing to be fearlessly, unapologetically who they are. For others, it’s terrifying – and possibly dangerous – to share a part of themselves that makes them vulnerable to hate speech, harassment, or violence.
So, what is National Coming Out Day?
National Coming Out Day is an LGBTQIA+ awareness day, observed every year on October 11. It celebrates the courageous decision that many individuals make to share themselves with others and with the world, even in the face of the prejudices said world often chooses to throw back at them.
What should you take away from NCOD?
National Coming Out Day has many facets, just as the community itself does: gratitude, reflection, love, relief, acceptance, remembrance (and instead of continuing the list, I’ll get to the point, but there are more). Coming out will mean different things to different people. Whether they’re out to some people but not to others, out in some spaces but not in others, choose to be out to anyone anywhere or choose to keep their identity private for safety, comfort, or just because they don’t feel the need to share it, all stages of coming out are valid. All stages are “queer enough”. Remember to be mindful of these differences, as comfort levels are different for everyone.
How can you support someone who’s coming out?
The first and most important thing is acceptance. Tell the person that you love them, that you accept them, that you’re there for them. If they ask you to use a different name and/or pronouns than you were using with them previously, do your best to implement those changes (this might take some time, but it’s your responsibility, not theirs! If you set your mind to it and make an effort, you can do it). If someone else is not as supportive, speak up! Tell them that their language/behavior is unacceptable and that it is their responsibility to change it.
It’s OK if you’re confused or don’t quite understand – in order to include as many people as possible, the LGBTQIA+ community is home to an ever-growing number of terms and identities that can be mixed and matched depending on the individual. You don’t have to understand to be accepting, but it shows dedication and support to make an effort to know their identity. If you’re comfortable (and they’re comfortable explaining), you can ask the person to explain a little bit about what their identity means, but sometimes outside research is necessary and helpful.
I’d like to reiterate (not as an accusation, but merely as a fact) that coming out is a choice. It’s extremely unfair to share someone’s identity without their knowledge or permission, as it not only takes away that person’s choice of who they share that information with but also exposes them to increased harassment or harm. How, when, where, and to whom anyone’s identity is shared should be their decision, and to remove or interfere with that choice is none of your business.
While there’s a lot more that could be said on this topic, this should at least provide a basis for understanding for anyone who needs it. Happy coming out day to all, and thank you for taking the time to read my little two cents ;)
Note: the author IS part of the LGBTQIA+ community and identifies as aromantic/asexual. I’m unsure how much those identities will affect my perspective on this topic. Please bear in mind that circumstances around coming out vary from person to person, but especially for those for whom “straight-passing” is more difficult, and take my advice with a grain of salt where necessary. Thank you!