Love has always been unkind to me, but I keep trying. Even when it feels like every attempt leaves me a little more fractured, I keep reaching for it, because what else is there to do? The pull to try, to hope, to believe that maybe, just maybe, this time will be different is stronger than the fear of disappointment. But sometimes, I wonder if it’s all just a chase after something that will never be fully mine.
There are days when it’s easier just to survive. To breathe in, breathe out, and let the world continue moving without really participating. Just existing, without engaging too much, without feeling too deeply. And that’s okay. Sometimes, just getting through the day is all you can manage. We are not meant to be on all the time. There will be a time when you won’t have to do this anymore, when it won’t take so much effort just to keep going. I tell myself this, even if I can’t see that time right now.
What I’ve learned is that we don’t own anything in this life. It’s all just an experience, a collection of moments that come and go, slipping through our fingers like sand. We can hold onto them for a while, but we can’t keep them forever. And maybe that’s the point—maybe it’s not about ownership or control, but about living through it, however messy or painful it may be. There are days when I feel lost, like I’m just wandering through my own life, pretending to be okay. But I keep trying. I keep breathing. Because I know, somewhere deep down, that it will change eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but there will be a time when I won’t have to keep holding on so tightly.