I would like to preface this interview by saying that Johnny’s publicist excluded the following topics: 8th grade, athleticism, Vikings and the nether regions.
Name: “Johnny Marshal Kittredge”
Year? “2019”
Hometown? “Brooklyn, NY”
Nickname? “Johnny from Brooklyn”
Intended major? “English”
If you could describe yourself in 3 words what would they be? “Clearly not equipped”
How do you like to spend your free time? “Brewing beer and picking banjo is optimal, but when you’re a mother of three beautiful boys sometimes your interests get left behind in the hospital room.”
Why did you start brewing beer? “I was trapped in a cave with nothing but a copy of “Love Actually” and five pounds of hops.”
If you could go anywhere in the world for one day, where would you go and what would you do? “England. Hopefully I could get a pic with the royal babies. That would give my Instagram game a boost that it desperately needs.”
What’s your favorite Tuesday? “January 2nd.”
Why do you have long hair? “I like to model myself off Jesus, that’s why I’ve drowned like 15 times. But I don’t complain.”
What makes you mad? “I hate when people eat my food before I eat it. I mean, you wouldn’t feed the goat before the goat fed you, right?”
If you could be granted one wish, what would it be? “My whole life I’ve gotten stares and weird looks for who I am. I know it’s not my fault. I know this is the way God made me, but I just wish for one day I were normal. Then I could finally eat gluten.”
What’s your passion in life? “To avoid eye contact.”
If you were live in any ancient society, which would you life in and why? “Definitely Atlantis. I hear those guys are great at hide and seek.”
What movie makes you cry every time? “Die Hard 3”
If you could give one piece of worldly advice, what would it be? “Once a week, every week, spend at least 5 minutes outside. That way when you go inside you’re like ‘damn, it’s nice in here.'”
Where do you see yourself in 20 years? “With a master’s degree in quantum physics and a flock of sheep.”
Say you’re locked in a room with a ball of string and a first addition copy of “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret,” what’s your favorite breakfast cereal? “Cinnamon Toast Crunch”