In the past month, I’ve done a lot of thinking about the nature of forgiveness or, more specifically, not forgiving. A few weeks ago marked the Jewish High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah (the New Year) and Yom Kippur (the day commonly known as the one on which Jews fast and repent), and some of the central themes of those Holy Days are repentance and forgiveness, both asking and granting. As a result of the Supreme Court hearing in which Christine Blasey Ford recounted being assaulted by Judge Brett Kavanaugh, much of the news has focused on abuse, survivors, victims, and perpetrators. Two of my classes discuss, at least in part, different ways in which society has historically, systematically, and systemically oppressed different minority groups. Naturally, all of this in addition to the normal day-to-day occurrences of life has led to me spending a lot of time thinking about the wrongs that have been done to various communities and individuals, and whether or not those wrongs have been or can be righted.
When someone hurts us and apologizes, society generally instructs us to forgive and move on from the incident. This is usually fine, and assuming a person isn’t petty and doesn’t hold huge grudges over small things, the system tends to work fairly well. Both parties get what they need out of the interaction, and everyone continues on with their lives. But what happens when the person who hurt us doesn’t apologize? What happens when we’re still hurt by what they did, even if they do apologize? Do we still have the responsibility to forgive?
Archbishop Desmond Tutu said, “Forgiving is good for your health,” but as with other healthy practices, like flossing or sweeping the floors, sometimes it can be difficult to bring ourselves to forgive. Sometimes we’re not ready to forgive, and maybe we’ll never be ready to forgive. I would argue that that’s okay. There are times when some harm caused to us by others is too great and still too painful for us to let go of, and I think it’s okay in those circumstances for us to be unable to forgive. When someone else has really and truly harmed us, I don’t believe that we have more of an obligation to forgive than we do to heal ourselves. True forgiveness requires compassion and empathy, allowing us to release negative emotions we feel towards someone else, and if we’re not yet ready to let go of those emotions, we may not be ready to forgive.
Our primary obligation, rather than to forgive, should be to heal ourselves from the pain we suffer. It’s crucial to honor emotions and recognize that they come from a place of valid hurt and insecurity, and forcing forgiveness before we’ve really allowed ourselves to feel only prevents us from dealing with the reason for our pain. Anger is a manifestation of hurt; when we are angry, we are reacting to situations in which we haven’t been cared for or in which our needs haven’t been met. Part of forgiveness is releasing that anger, but to do that, we need to reckon with the root of the anger we feel. This means acknowledging underlying feelings of inadequate care or of hurt or of betrayal, and sometimes, those feelings are too raw for us to release them, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make us less human or less worthy of care; it just means that we’ve been hurt and we need to take time to heal ourselves.
To fellow survivors and people dealing with deep hurt, it’s okay if you aren’t ready to forgive. It’s okay if you’re never ready to forgive. Prioritize your healing process and finding peace with yourself, and know that your timeline to recovery doesn’t have to follow any one path. Know that your pain is valid and your healing is important. If you need time to heal, give yourself time to heal. Acknowledge your pain, use it to identify how you do and don’t want to be treated, and forgive yourself for not being ready to forgive if that is the case. Your primary obligation should be healing yourself and coming to terms with your pain, and maybe then, true unforced forgiveness will be easier to grant. And if it isn’t easier to grant? That’s okay, too.