It’s lonely to grieve the loss of a family member when you’re hundreds of miles away from home.
Grief is a terrible and heart wrenching thing, and it’s especially difficult when the person you’ve lost and all of your loved ones are hundreds of miles away from you. If your loved one was sick, you may have been constantly waiting for the call from a family member telling you that they have passed, and when that happens, you feel so alone. You want nothing more than a hug from your mom, your dad, or whoever else you may hold close to your heart, but you can’t have that at that moment. A few days later, you fly or drive home to grieve for a few days with those you love, but before you know it, you’re on your way back to a place that doesn’t provide the same warmth as your childhood bed. When you hang out with your friends, you may smile and laugh, but something still feels missing from your life. They didn’t know your life back home and they didn’t know the person you lost. Grieving away from home is lonely for any college student, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in college so far.
My great grandfather passed away earlier this year, and when my mom called to tell me the news, I was writing an essay while sitting in bed with my boyfriend. My great grandfather had been sick for a few months and even sicker the previous few days, but I was never prepared for him to pass away. My mom told me a few hours before that it was unlikely my great grandfather would make it to the night, but there was no time for me to go home and say my final goodbyes. So when the call came, I knew what I was about to hear, and I broke down crying before I even answered the phone.
All of a sudden, my whole world shattered. My great-grandfather’s loss was the first death in my family I had ever experienced, and being away from home with the additional stress of college life made it far more difficult. I finished the essay I was writing in between bouts of sobs because the stress of not turning an assignment in on time was still present even in the face of loss. I dragged myself to each of my classes the next two days, talking to my classmates and answering questions in class, but I constantly felt the burning absence of my great grandfather in my heart. The days in between my great grandfather’s passing and my trip home for the funeral were the loneliest days of my life. I had my friends and my boyfriend, but I didn’t have the loving arms of my family wrapped around me, and that was all I wanted.
When I got back to college from the funeral, I thought I would be able to live my life as I did before, but navigating grief in college is different than navigating grief in other phases of life. One part of you still feels like a kid who needs to be held and coddled at home, and the other feels like a grown adult who should know how to handle things like this. This conflict inside of myself was exhausting. I put too much pressure on myself in school and gave myself no leniency whatsoever, like I thought adults should do, but deep down I knew I couldn’t handle this alone.
I slowly learned that reaching out for help and comfort isn’t childish, and that there’s nothing wrong with calling my mom more often than usual for some emotional support. I talked to my family more than I did before, because they knew what I was going through and they missed my great grandfather as much as I did. We talked about his jokes, his stories and his bright personality. We talked about everything that made me feel like I still had the love I needed from home with me, even when I was hundreds of miles away.
When you experience loss in college, it’s important to give yourself grace and to give yourself what you need in order to cope. I learned that the hard way after succumbing to academic stress and the pressures of the adult world. College is a strange point in life. We’re not fully adults and we’re not children anymore, and loss can amplify that battle. However, it’s okay to ask for help and comfort when you need it. I was surprised at how understanding people could be when I actually asked for help. Even if you’re far from home, your loved ones are just a FaceTime call away, and they will be there to alleviate your grief when you need it. All you have to do is ask. The pressure of the world, academic or otherwise, can wait. Give yourself what you need, and the weight of grief will feel lighter over time.