It is no secret that going to college is a fiercely independent endeavor. For most, it means moving away from your family to a place where you know maybe one person out of thousands. For the first time in your life, you have no obligations to anyone besides yourself. If you’re like me, however, this newfound independence does not stay long. Yes, you may be far away from your closest support system, but the search for a friend group and the exploration of clubs quickly restores the social network that existed prior to college… but why exactly is this a problem?
Well, the answer is complicated.
Once we settle into our new home and establish a new support system, that independence we first experienced is not the same anymore. Now, we are doing things with the people we’ve met and have grown close to. These relationships are a great thing and hugely important to your college experience. But, in some ways, this can limit the development of our own independence. Let me explain…
You may find yourself in a situation where you don’t do things unless someone else wants to go with you. You may be depriving yourself of experiences you really would enjoy because everyone else is busy or uninterested. I am not talking about the trips to the grocery store or studying in the library. I am talking about day trips to other cities you’ve always wanted to explore, going to the concert of your favorite band, visiting a museum that is about a niche interest of yours, or hiking at a state park you’ve had on your bucket list for years. These experiences have been painted with a social brush; something that is usually done in the context of other people. You may find it weird to do some of these things alone, so at the end of the day you just don’t do them because it is easier, less lonely, or because society has turned these things into an exclusively social endeavor. The reality is that we are just as capable of going to things by ourselves. Yet, I have found in my own personal experience that we often don’t do those things. The question is why. And the answer? The answer is none other than social dependence.
In our efforts to make connections and establish a support system in college, we sometimes lean too much into our newfound friend group. It could be that we’ve never had this much independence before and feel the need to stick to what we know or, maybe we just don’t know how to be alone. I want to make it clear; these relationships are not the problem. The social life of college is a good one, but the lesson here is that it is so incredibly important to experience some of these things independent of others.
Think about it. There is a reason that so many people describe the early years of their twenties as a time in which they figured themselves out. For you, this means finding who you are in your relationships, but also who you are by yourself. Who are you independent of those around you? And how do you overcome giving up experiences you’ve always wanted to try because you must do them alone?
The solution is to achieve a balance of ‘friend time’ and ‘me time’. Look inward and decide what is important to you. Once you have that nailed down, you now know where the line should be drawn between ‘friend time’ and ‘me time’. If a friend is unwilling to go on that backpacking trip with you, there is nothing stopping you from going by yourself. I think we have it ingrained in our heads that anything worth doing is worth doing with others and that somehow doing things alone will be less fun. I am here to tell you that is simply not true. You should not deny yourself the pleasure of an experience because you have to do it alone. The presence of this ‘social’ mindset limits you. It limits your joy. It limits your opportunities. Independence is often described as one of the biggest takeaways from college, yet so many leave college to pursue a career or life goal independently and are unhappy because they’ve never taken the time to truly exercise that independence in a meaningful way.
If you are finding this relatable, my advice is to do some of these big adventures by yourself. The more time you spend with just yourself, the better you get to know yourself. The more you do things alone, the more comfortable you will be with yourself. Here’s the deal: if you only experience life in the context of others, you will never know how to do things for yourself. Even worse, you will not know what to do in the absence of a solid friend group. The experience of going to college is not enough to be independent. True independence requires thoughtful action on your part. It requires actively engaging with yourself and your desires. Most importantly, it means doing the things you love even if you know someone else is willing to do it with you. Sure, it is easier begin with things that you know no one else close to you wants to do. But the goal here is to choose to do things by yourself simply because you want to spend time by yourself and because you are both comfortable and excited in pursuing your own adventures, despite the status of others; despite whether someone else wants to do these things with you or not.
If the idea of starting big is daunting, start small. Start by going out to eat at that new restaurant by yourself. Dress up. Do your hair. Order the most expensive thing on the menu. The point of this article is to highlight the true essence of independence and how to pursue it in a meaningful way. If that means going to Bucc-ee’s at midnight by yourself, then do it. Then go bigger with each step.
Take this time at college to practice this skill and strengthen your ‘independence muscle’. You deserve joy. You deserve new experiences. Don’t let the fear of being alone keep you from that. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by truly seeking comfort in being by yourself. Trust the process, and I promise you that your life will be better for it.