Do you have a friend who you know or suspect has an eating disorder? It’s a tricky situation when you want to help, but aren’t really sure how to do so. I have watched as my friends and family members stumble over just what to say or do to help me on my journey through recovery. I have watched them suffer with me during my low points, but I have also been lucky enough to have them pushing me back up to get back on track.
Yes, I have an eating disorder. I have been battling bulimia nervosa since my sophomore year of high school. Last year when I came to BC for my freshman year, I left treatment because I figured I could recover by myself. Everyone believed me when I said I was fine, but eventually when it came time to face reality and admit that I really had not been doing as well as I led on, no one really knew how to support me and I didn’t really let them either. I just assumed whatever they would say or do would just hinder my progress. Now that I know recovery for me isn’t possible without my supports, I’ve decided to share with all of you on the outside some insights to help your loved one who is struggling in the best way you can.
Reach Out
If you have your suspicions that someone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder (ED), talk to them. Explain to them your concern and that you want them to be healthy. Do not accuse them, but calmly and rationally speak with them. If after you talk with them you still believe they have a problem, it can be a good idea to reach out to someone who specializes in this area and to meet with them and your friend together. They need help and most people with an eating disorder are in denial that they even have one.
Just Be There
Let the person know that you will be there for them every step of the way. If they are having a good day or a bad day, be there to listen, share a meal or even just be present in the room. A lot of people do not realize the impact that the presence of another person can have on someone who is wrapped up in their own thoughts.
Be Positive and Encouraging
Even if you notice your loved one is struggling or slipping up a little, be there as their safety net. Let them know it is okay. One of the most helpful things one of my friends has done is send me positive affirmations. Even when I am not having a difficult time in recovery she sends me these little images with a quote that always makes me feel a lot better. Even when your loved one is feeling like giving up on themselves, they need you to be there to give them the extra push to get over the hump.
Do NOT say, “Well, just eat” or “Just don’t do it.”
Trust me, if it were that easy we would. EDs aren’t just something you can wish away or take a pill for. Although you think these statements are helpful and common knowledge, for someone who is deep in their ED it seems impossible. The thought process of a person with an ED has been distorted and it takes time to retrain those thoughts.
Become Educated
Learn about the disorder the person you care about is struggling with. Read up on material written by authors who have struggled with an ED and see what they have to say about their own personal struggle. Also recognize that everything one person has said about an ED and the way it impacted their life will not apply to everyone with an ED. It is important to try to understand your friend’s own personal struggle and the best ways you can help them meet their needs.
Understand that not every eating disorder is the same.
People develop EDs for different reasons. Some can be caused by trauma, others can be caused by societal norms or unachievable standards; and others can develop as a sense of control. Just like the root of all EDs is not the same, the triggers (words, events, people which cause a person to perform certain behaviors) are not the same and the recovery process is not the same. There are several EDs which all have different characteristics. There is anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder (BED), and eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS). All of these have different behaviors and therefore require different methods of support.
Be aware that the process is not something that can happen overnight.
Overcoming an ED is not a continuous line. The journey is more like a rollercoaster with ups and downs, loops and twists, and turns. For some people, recovery can take a matter of months; for others, it can take years or even their whole life. Being patient during the process can be difficult, but it is necessary.
Let go of the stigmas that come with an eating disorder.
EDs are not only a girl thing. They are not only a teenager/young adult thing. They do not only affect the person battling the ED, but also everyone around them. Not everyone battling an ED is going to be very thin. Many look completely normal. Weight and appearance cannot be the only determinates of an ED. EDs are not for attention. They are serious mental disorders that require attention.
Be Understanding.
If the person tries to explain that something you said is triggering their behavior or not helping their recovery process, do not take it personally. A lot of things that you might think are helpful can actually be really hard for your friend or loved one to hear. Phrases such as “You look so good!” can be really difficult for someone with an ED to hear because their mind twists those words to mean something completely different. Ask the person to try to explain why what you said or did was not helpful and learn from that. Also, realize that some days your friend or family member might not want to do an activity they once loved doing. Encourage them to participate in the activity, but do not force them.
All the information I have shared with you is only a small portion of what you can do to be there for someone struggling with an ED. These are a few of the things I wish I had been able to vocalize to my supports at the start of my journey, but not everyone with an ED is going to want the same level of support from everyone in his or her life. Communication is key; sometimes it just takes more time for a person to open up.
For more information:
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/general-information/
http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/family-role