Getting Perspective: Girls and the Hookup Culture

This is the first part of a 2-part story.  Look for “Getting Perspective: Boys and the Hookup Culture” to get boys’ answers to these questions tomorrow!

What do women want?  How the female brain works is even a mystery to me, so I sympathize with all those fellows out there who struggle with this question.  One day we like you, the next day we don’t.  We cry, we PMS, and sometimes we’re just plain crazy.  If only guys could try on women’s clothing, get electrocuted, and end up being able to read women’s minds like Mel Gibson in the comic film What Women Want.  Man, would that make things easy.  However, real life hardly works like a Hollywood hit. 

So how DO guys figure out what girls want? 

What better way to find out than to actually ask them.  Guys, I know; delving into the inner workings of a woman’s brain sounds terrifying and potentially dangerous.  Lucky for you, I’ve already done all the work.  Below are four interviews with current BC girls, one from each undergraduate year.  And girls, see how your answers match up with the ones below.  Let’s see exactly what the women here at BC want…

Freshman:

Single or dating?  Single

What is your idea of a perfect date?
“I really don’t like going out to dinner.  In the wintertime, ice-skating or something you can focus on to avoid awkward lulls in conversation.  Something not too long, you don’t want to get sick of someone on the first date.  Also, frozen yogurt.”

What do you look for on a Friday night?
“It doesn’t quite matter how the night ends up as long as I’m with people I like.  If I enjoy my company, it will be a good time.”

Why do you think dating is such a rarity at Boston College?
“All the nice guys have girlfriends; all the good looking guys just want to hook up because they can find a slut to hook up with so they don’t look for a girl to have something real.  Oh and everyone thinks if you hang out with someone alone you’re married.  People need to relax.”

What do you like about the hookup culture?
“I’m really not a fan of it actually.  It’s a motivation for people to look nice?”

Dislike?
“I think how it has affected relationships in general, including friendships.  And how people get too personal with someone before they have any mental connection with people.”

Do you feel guilt the morning after a random hookup?
“I don’t really care to be honest.  But I was very thankful I didn’t go further with them [than kissing].”

How quick are you to tell your friends about a random hookup?
“Since it wasn’t a big deal I didn’t care.  It was kind of funny.  But I’m sure if I had sex with a guy I’d want to keep it quiet with my best friends.”

Would you rather be in a relationship or part of the hookup culture?
“A relationship hands down.”

What qualities do you look for in a potential hookup?
“Dark hair, blue eyes, lean muscle.  Swimmers and soccer players are pretty cute.”

What would you do if a guy couldn’t get it up?
“I’d probably laugh at first, but if you’re in that situation hopefully you can make conversation with someone and forget about it.”

Does size matter?
“If you’re looking to hook up then obviously it matters a lot more, but you should be in the position where it’s just kinda there because you have a greater connection with them besides the physical size.”
 

Sophomore:

Single or dating?  Single

What is your idea of a perfect date?
“Okay well I’m a huge fan of food, so anything that has to do with a cooking class together or he would cook for me and pamper me, that’d be great.  A comfortable environment where we can talk…eat and talk.  After that go somewhere for like, I wouldn’t say drinks cause I don’t want to get s*** faced on the first date.  Easy conversation… that’s a good first date regardless of where I am.”

What do you look for on a Friday night?
“I wanna dance.  If there’s no dancing at the party it’s not a good party as far as I’m concerned.  When a guy comes up behind me, I’m not for that.  Come up in front of me.  When you have to swing your hips, that’s the worst.  Move to my beat.  I don’t want to swing my hips when I dance; I want to move in a normal motion.”

Why do you think dating is such a rarity at Boston College?
“I think it has to do with a lot of girls trying to please guys.  They’re all like, ‘I wouldn’t want to date him, def not because he doesn’t want to think I want to date him because then he won’t want to hook up with me.’  It’s an all overall college vibe: there’s a commitment phobia.”

What do you like about the hookup culture?
“Well, I hate a lot of couples.  It’s just not comfortable when people start pairing off.  When more than half the friends in a group are dating, then they all want to start dating.  Then it’s like cult dating.  They had like a quadruple date…get out of my face with your relationship.  I want to vomit.”

Dislike?
“The lack of respect people have for themselves.  Girls don’t want to see this, but it gives them a bad reputation and the guy looks like the man, the bro of all bros.  And it spreads STDs like wild fire, good lord.”

Do you feel guilt the morning after a random hookup?
“I mean, you don’t particularly feel good about it.  Like making out in a mod, that’s so embarrassing, how did that even begin.  Always the guy’s friends find out so it’s not so much the next morning, it’s the next evening out when everyone’s staring at you and hand claps when you go by.  Not always the best feeling.”

How quick are you to tell your friends about a random hookup?
“The next morning unless I’m embarrassed then I wait for someone else to spill the beans.”

Would you rather be in a relationship or part of the hookup culture?
“I would want to be in an exclusive hookup/relationship.  I don’t want whoever I’m hooking up with hooking up with other girls.”

What qualities do you look for in a potential hookup?
“An accent.  I look for an accent, good eyes, and for some reason I have a thing for tall and lanky.  Like anyone tall and lanky.  If you’re short it’s just not gonna happen.  You could be the perfect guy, but it wouldn’t work.  And if you’re funny and can make me laugh you’re so much hotter.  And, ooh, if you’re funny and have an accent we’re like basically together.  You won’t be able to get rid of me.”

Favorite accent?  “I’m a big fan of British, Irish, Scottish, but I’ll take anything.”

What would you do if a guy couldn’t get it up?
“My friends usually try to tell the guy it’s okay, and then they leave the room and bad mouth them and tell us all what happened and we’re all like, ‘OHH NO YOU DIDN’T.’  We laugh about it and have a good ole giggle.”

Does size matter?
“Uh I heard it does.  One of my friends was positive this guy had a micropenis.  It ruined everything he ever had.  If he can never please it’s the point of no return.”
 

Junior:

Single or dating?  Dating

What is your idea of a perfect date?
“I guess it would be going into the city and going to dinner.  Maybe walking around the city somewhere and then, I don’t know, going back to BC and hanging out alone or something.”

What do you look for on a Friday night?
“Now on a Friday night I just wanna be with my girlfriends and guy friends just hanging out having fun.  When I was single I’d maybe look for someone to hook up with or text a guy I’ve been talking to, but now I obviously just wanna be with my friends.”

Why do you think dating is such a rarity at Boston College?
“From my 8-man from sophomore year, four of us are in relationships and none of them [our boyfriends] go here.  It’s so funny and I feel like you’re not supposed to have a boyfriend ‘til senior year.  You kinda play around for the first three years then senior year it’s like find someone and latch on.  They just see it as a norm.”

What do you like about the hookup culture?
“I didn’t really like it too much.  I guess it didn’t seem too difficult if you weren’t being too picky.  I feel like a lot of people at parties are kinda there to hook up with people, to be honest.”

Dislike?
Well maybe that everyone refuses to go past a steady hookup.  People will say they’re hooking up but not dating.  I think it’s stupid that people like each other and hook up every weekend but wont date.  Since it’s so easy they just float around person to person and its stupid.  Be together people.”

Do you feel guilt the morning after a random hookup?
“Yes.  Sometimes no, it depended on the person.  If it was someone I knew and I wanted it to happen obviously it was fine the next day.  But if it was just a drunk night and someone I didn’t know very well I felt bad.”

How quick are you to tell your friends about a random hookup?
“My friends and I are not secretive at all.  If they wanna hear I’m willing to talk about it.”

Would you rather be in a relationship or part of the hookup culture?
“I’m gonna say relationship.  This is a lot better even though he’s not even here (he’s abroad!).  I can talk to boys and there’s no pressure.”

What qualities do you look for in a potential hookup?
“I’m very the tall dark handsome type.”

What would you do if a guy couldn’t get it up?
“Have a nice cuddle sesh I guess.  (laughs)  Or if I was mad, kick him out of my room.”

Does size matter?
“Um, yes I think so.  (laughs)  I mean, yeah.  My friends wouldn’t be like, ‘Tell me the size.’  We joke like, ‘how big is his dick!’ but we won’t be like (folds hands in front of her), ‘I’m really concerned about the size of his penis.’”
 

Senior:

Single or dating?  Dating

What is your idea of a perfect date?
“Going out to dinner somewhere that’s not very fancy…casual and comfortable where you can actually hear each other but it’s laid back.  I think for a first date you have to keep it under a couple of hours otherwise if you don’t like them you want to just get out.  Simple dinner, casual, no stress.  Even going to a sporting event so if it’s not a good date there’s another distraction.”

What do you look for on a Friday night?
“I just wanna be with my friends.  I don’t want to go to just rage anymore.  I could care less what exactly we do as long as it’s with the people I want.  There’s only a number of weekends left so I want to be with my friends.”

Why do you think dating is such a rarity at Boston College?
“I’m dating someone who graduated from Notre Dame but I was single freshman through junior year.  I feel like dating is rare because it’s almost like no one feels a pressure or a need to go on a date ‘cause people will hook up no matter what.  People don’t ask people on dates, they just don’t.  Of my four years here, I think I’ve been asked to lunch…twice.”

What do you like about the hookup culture?
“It was easy.  You could kinda do whatever you wanted and everyone’s doing it.  It’s exciting and from high school when you’re kinda more in your little bubble following the rules, it’s invigorating.”

Dislike?
“After a while you realize it’s very shallow and always selfish…it’s not fulfilling in any regards.  You’re not connecting with anyone, there’s no true emotional investment in anything.  You never cared about that other person and they didn’t care about you.  It loses its excitement.”

Did you feel guilt the morning after a random hookup?
“Um I don’t know if it was guilt but like, ‘that was stupid.’  At the time it feels like a good idea but in the morning you’re like, ‘I would much rather be sleeping comfortably in my bed.’”

How quick are you to tell your friends about a random hookup?
“That day.”  (laughs)  “I didn’t hide it.”

Would you rather be in a relationship or part of the hookup culture?
I enjoy being in a relationship much more even though it’s long distance.

What qualities do you look for in a potential hookup?
“For me I guess it’s just confidence.  If I didn’t have to work that hard.  If someone would pursue you.  I didn’t put my eye on a target it just kinda happens.  I don’t have a type.  If they have something to talk about…easy to talk to.”

What would you do if a guy couldn’t get it up?
(laughs)  “If you’re drunk and wasted you’d probably make out then pass out.  I wouldn’t leave.  I’d probably just pass out, be bored after a while.”

Does size matter?
(rolls eyes)  “No.  I mean if it’s like oddly small, but truthfully in the hookup culture you’re drunk and I don’t think there’s a lot of caring going on for either side.  Unless it was like oddly small or crooked or something.”
 

Whew!  That’s a lot to digest.  Want a Sparknotes?

• First dates are better if they’re casual
• Dancing and friends = a good night
• Girls actually prefer RELATIONSHIPS
• Obviously talking is the best way to learn what girls want!

So why is the hookup culture so prominent if 4 for 4 girls preferred to do without it?  It seems to be such an established tradition that it feels impossible to break.  Maybe if more people listened to Dating Doctor Kerry Cronin, the BC campus would be a happier, relationship-filled place.  But keep in mind, the girls only make up half of the puzzle.  I wonder what the boys think about all this…

Sources:
4 anonymous BC women