Disclaimer: This article is meant as a piece of satire. It is definitely a good idea to try to not do these things ever, regardless of whether you are drunk or sober.
Say Hello to Everyone
And by everyone, I mean everyone. Didn’t that girl show up under “People you may know” on Facebook? Weren’t you just stalking him on classmate roster this morning? You totally passed that guy in O’Neill today, right? Normally you might pass by them, but that liquid courage is flowing. Go say hi to all of them! While you’re at it, you should probably snap a few pics together, too. If you scream: “We NEEEEEED a group picture!” at the random pregame your roommate’s cousin’s best friend’s brother invited you to, someone is bound to join in. Just because they don’t know you does not mean you aren’t best friends.
Surely a friendship to last the ages.
Make Out with Everyone
While you’re being extra friendly, why not challenge every guy you see to some tonsil hockey? You’re standing in a sweaty Mod when all of a sudden your eyes meet with that guy who sat with your family at the awkward orientation dinner. Your brain consults with the Burnett’s and a decision is reached: You should make out with him! (Spoiler Alert: You probably shouldn’t make out with him.) Whatever, the next day you can just pull a Trey Songz and blame it on the booze.
Cry and Make Everyone Uncomfortable
Apparently Fergie needs to chug a couple martinis and then rethink “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” because yes, yes they do. Chip a nail? Eyes swell up. Spill your drink? Weep. See that guy you never actually met but have a giant crush on? Sob loudly into the arms of anyone in a fifty-foot radius. This may not seem normal and it may cause discomfort for everyone else, but it’s fine. Slap on the waterproof mascara and carry on.
There, there, Paris.
Be the Dancing Queen You Were Never Meant to Be
Finally, all those years of watching Pussycat Dolls’ music videos and Dance Mom reruns paid off. That cramped Mod is your dance floor and it is your time to shine. You are finally in a place where busting out all of your secretly-choreographed-when-your-roommate-was-out moves are appropriate… kind of. Dance like Dancing With Stars is scouting you, even if we both know they never will.
Dress Very Inappropriately for the Weather
It might be below freezing and snowing, but you have a new dress from Forever 21 to wear tonight. So what if it’s sleeveless and only covered about three inches of your thigh? Minor details! As long as you drink a coat and keep screaming to your friends “I swear, I’m soooooo warm right now! I’m, like, sweating,” you’ll be fine. Plus, if you get frostbite you won’t even feel it… until tomorrow morning.
Demolish Late Night
I know you normally grab some salad or maybe a small froyo at late night, but seven orders of mozzarella sticks seem really necessary right now. Something has to soak up all that Rubinoff, it may as well be something you would never eat while sober. Everyone knows you were just kidding about that New Year’s resolution, anyways.
Photo Sources:
http://www.aboutdwi.com/blog/wp-content/themes/dwi/images//celebrities_partying_for_publicity.jpg
http://jeffpearlman.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/paris-crying-hard.jpg
http://cdn.crushable.com/files/2011/01/snooki1-475×278.png