Everyone has that friend who can’t stand to see someone else get more attention than she does, and, more often than not, that friend will evolve to become the group story-topper. Most people are familiar with this term, but here’s a review: a story-topper is a person who constantly feels the need to tell another (sometimes better) story immediately after someone else has just finished telling one. Nobody likes a story-topper, but it’s important to be educated about them so that we may one day eliminate story-toppers from civilized society altogether. Here are 5 important facts about story-toppers:
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A story-topper constantly needs to direct the conversation back to them.
Listen closely to the conversations you have with your friends. Do you hear an overwhelming amount of “I,” “me” and “my” coming from one particular person? Chances are they’re the story-topper, because most story-toppers find it impossible to console, understand or relate to others without bringing up themselves. Here is a sample interaction:Friend: My Tamagotchi just died and I’m upset. I loved my Tamagotchi.
Story-Topper: I’m so sorry. I know when my Tamagotchi died I was completely emotionally debilitated and couldn’t get out of bed for a week. My parents almost committed me to the psych ward. I really loved my Tamagotchi, but not in the way that most people love their Tamagotchis because I am capable of deeper love than most people. Our bond was special and unique, and you probably wouldn’t understand. Recently I mustered up the courage to buy a new Tamagotchi. I named him Kierkegaard, because I am insecure and I want people to see that I’m educated enough to know who that is. Do you want to see a picture of him? Here, let me show you. -
A story-topper is surprised when friends don’t react to their stories the way they expected.
At lunch today you told a super funny story about that time when Amber D’Alessio totally made out with a hot dog, and everyone laughed. But before their chuckles had even subsided, the story-topper had already begun her long-winded tale of the time her bunkmate at summer camp once made out with 300 hot dogs! The key thing to remember about a story-topper is the fact that from the very moment you began telling your funny story, the story-topper has been quietly cooking up what she believes will be an even better one. She wants to dethrone you as temporary lunch group comedian by taking back the attention that you have so unjustly stolen from her. But wait, what’s this? Nobody cares that her friend supposedly made out with 300 hot dogs?! This will be shocking to the story-topper, but not to worry; she will soon return, ready to top again. -
A story-topper feels the need to make their personal situation seem exponentially better or worse than that of their friends.
Did you have fun this weekend? Yes, but it doesn’t matter to your local story-topper, because she had SO much fun this weekend. She had so much fun that her very bones became saturated with the key ingredients of fun, and she knows what those key ingredients are because she CREATED fun. She is the master of fun. She engineered it in a lab fifty years ago, long before the word “fun” would ever be destined to fall from your insignificant lips.Consequently, if you slipped on the ice this weekend and hit your head, the story-topper did too. But she slipped on the ice in Antarctica. She was there for the weekend, because her boyfriend is actually Antarctican royalty and his family owns a 50,000 square-foot ski chalet there. He flew her there on his private jet. She slipped and fell on the ice while trying to throw herself into his muscular arms because he had just proposed to her with a 12-carat pink diamond. Yeah. And when she hit her head, she actually went into a brief coma and everyone was worried about her (and paying attention to her). She actually received a world-record-breaking number of flowers from her friends, family and admirers. On Sunday she woke up from the coma and there was a continent-wide celebration in Antarctica. She’s back in school now on Monday, though.
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A story-topper hates being challenged.
An expert source (the author of this article) estimates that 85% of all story-toppers are completely full of it. Sometimes her stories make you feel a little funny, like maybe she didn’t actually see Amelia Earhart’s sunken plane when she went scuba diving last summer. Something tells you she isn’t actually the great-great-great-great granddaughter of Abraham Lincoln, and you may want to confront her about this. Just remember that story-toppers will “deny ‘til they die,” and challenging the validity of their tall tales may only have the effect of shutting them up for a little while. -
Every friend group has a story-topper.
Remember: just like Dane Cook’s “Friend that Nobody Likes,” every friend group has a token story-topper. If you don’t think your friend group has one, it could be you…
Don’t be like Penelope.
Photo Source:
http://hotoffpress.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/freethanksgivingdinner.jpg