Disclaimer: Please read with caution. This article is meant to be a funny satire. The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the authors’ or Her Campus BC’s feelings towards or positions on any of the topics covered below. Thank you for your understanding.
Do you ever wonder why you never seem to get enough likes on Facebook? I mean the stuff you post is always great, in your mind! Yet, no one ever seems to appreciate your valiant efforts. C’mon, the picture of pugs in costume? That was classic! And then there’s that total ‘rando’ from your high school who has 452 likes on her profile picture. Who even is she? Well, fear no more Collegiettes, because I have a list of things you can do to solve this little situation.
1. Add ALL of your relatives. No one in this world gives you more likes and comments than your favorite aunt. She will be your most dedicated subject and number one fan. Relatives prove for consistent likers and remember: the more likes, the merrier. And side note, they always post interesting/funny comments on everything.
2. Accept those strange friend requests. Last week, I received a friend request from a man dressed in a tutu named Ralph Simpsen. Now, what did I do with that request? Report it to the authorities? Scoff? Absolutely not! I’m sure Ralph’s intentions were totally pure, so I accepted. And guess what? He’s a loyal liker.
3. Make your profile public. Who cares if your future employers see a picture of you doing a keg stand? You NEED your likes. When you open up your profile to the public, you open it up for more likes. That’s all that matters, anyways.
4. Repeatedly un-tag and re-tag your pictures. Did you ever notice how when you get tagged in a picture, it appears on everyone’s newsfeed? What happens if you get tagged in that same picture 10 times? 10 TIMES THE LIKES!
5. Post an emotional, yet vague status. Have you ever read someone post a status like, “I just want to cry,” or, “Why even bother?” and wanted to know more? This clever tactic is called “vaguebooking.”
6. Tell everyone about a radical life change (it’s okay to lie). Although you may not be pregnant or moving to Australia, you need your likes. Who cares if you get a series of concerned/angry voicemails from your parents?
7. Create (a) fake profile(s). Before you choose to take this path, I must warn you that creating a fake profile is a lot of work. You must come up with a completely new persona and maintain said persona so no one gets suspicious. Whenever you feel like your new Spring Break album didn’t get nearly enough recognition on Facebook, sign onto your alter-ego (fake profile) and like the s**t out of those pictures. You’re welcome.
8. Toilet selfies. Let’s be real. You do it on Snapchat, why not on Facebook? People will think you are absolutely hilarious and hot. Of course you’ll get likes. Maybe even some new friends?!
9. Post a video of yourself singing a cappella. We both know you have the voice of an angel. So clearly it’s your moral obligation to share that voice of yours with the rest of the world. All you need is one trial run and you’re good to go. Might I suggest some Jesse McCartney or JoJo to set the mood? It’s nice to keep it classic.
10. Go into a relationship with someone on Facebook. Wave goodbye to your single status ladies because one of the greatest ways to get likes is to go “Facebook Official” with someone. I know you guys only went on one date like a month ago, but it’s time to take things to the next level. Give that special someone a shove in the right direction and send that relationship request out. If all else fails, just go into a relationship with one of your fake profiles (please refer back to suggestion number seven).
Well now you know all of my secrets to being the most popular gal on Facebook. Best of luck to y’all!