**NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
Being on the cusp of adulthood, students really need to talk about sex. Sure, you can be on Tinder five times a day, and there’s all of those…eventful…health classes. Despite all the sex surrounding students, most of sexual discussion on campus avoids a major taboo; sexual abuse. I want to bring this topic to the table by telling my story. It may help you to realize what is and what is not a healthy relationship, or it may inspire you to start talking truthfully about your sex life.
When I was sixteen, my current boyfriend and I had been having problems; and I had a lot of stress at home as well. As a result, I had practically moved in with my close friend, Macy. That is how I met Dan. He was Macy’s childhood friend, and almost four years older than me. Dan enthralled me, and we spent the first few weeks of that summer growing closer.
Dan asked me out one day after I ended it with the other guy. My head asked, “Are you even sure you like Dan that way? How well do you know him?” Heartbroken and impulsive, I ignored the voice. Dan started staying over with me in Macy’s guest room almost nightly. He claimed it was “his room,” and insisted the twin beds be pushed together, making it easy for his hands to wander as he faked sleep. Naïve, I asked Macy if this pressure was okay, and she promised Dan was sweet and this was normal behavior for older men. “There’s expectations, sweetie,” she told me. One night, Dan finally kissed me. I was excited for a second, but after I went onto the roof and just shrugged in response to Dan’s conversation attempts. Deep down, I felt warnings blaring, but ignored them. Never ever ignore your instincts. They are there to protect you.
A week after Dan’s 20th birthday, a big group of my friends and I, mostly couples, planned a trip to his grandfather’s cabin. Everyone ended up backing out, leaving Dan and I on a solo trip only three weeks into our “relationship” (despite all the cuddling in front of Netflix, he had yet to take me on a public date). The trip made me nervous, as Dan’s verbal pressure to increase our sexual contact had been becoming more aggressive. Dan regularly threw in comments such as, “When you (me) and I have sex” or “If she would give me a blow job, I’d be in a good mood, too!” around his friends. Within sexual abuse conversation, verbal or emotional harassment is often passed over. If uncomfortable with pressing or offensive comments are made by a partner, that is assault. Dan seemed to take the innocence I chose to hold onto as a challenge, he made me feel incompetent and childish for moving slowly.
At the cabin, Dan pushed me more than ever. I returned from the weekend, sirens screaming in my head. Macy had been with an older guy for a while, and I trusted her to tell me what was normal and what wasn’t. That is another misconception. No one else can determine your personal decision about what is normal for you. I detailed how Dan tried again and again to finger me when I pushed back, that he insisted we sleep in the same cramped bunk, and how he pouted the whole drive home because I refused to shower together. Instead of telling me of course I wasn’t ready, I was only sixteen with one casual boyfriend in my past, Macy laughed a bit and explained my anxiety away. She claimed my body was “getting used” to Dan. The solution was to let him “do whatever,” and “get used to it by doing more.”
I used to blame myself for accepting Macy’s crooked advice. I’d tell myself that of course I was nothing more than an object to be used by men. I wanted to dress nicely, flirt and smile, that must mean I was experienced, and partners asking, “Can I touch you there?” wasn’t necessary. Those thoughts are far from the truth, every man or woman whether they have had sex before, performed an act once, said they were ready, etc., reserves the right to say “I’m not ready,” or “I know I gave you oral yesterday but today I am not in the mood,” or “I just want to kiss,” or “I am tired.” Do not ever think that any kiss must lead to more. Saying “no,” verbally does make intentions clearest, but denial can also be portrayed bodily.
Dan sexually assaulted me with verbal harassment and forced physical contact for four total weeks. I eventually stopped sleeping at Macy’s and told Dan it was over. Since then, the “friends” I made that summer have called me shallow, a vindictive liar, and a tease, all because I spoke out about the sexual intimidation. The helplessness I had learned with Dan took a long time to fade. In my next relationship I was shocked when my partner continuously checked in, made respectful comments, and he agreed easily when I asked our sex life not to be divulged in large social groups. That is what healthy intimacy looks like.
If this story does anything, I hope you advocate for your right to set the pace of intimacy. The myth that one should commit all sexual acts just because they’re dating someone is harmful. Please respect yourself, and seek help if any alarms sound in your head. You are strong to get yourself out of a bad situation.
NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE 1-800-656-4673
ONLINE 24/7 HOTLINE online.rainn.org
BLOOMSBURG U AFTER HOURS COUNSELING TAPLINE (1-800-222-9016)