David Levithan’s recent novella “The Lover’s Dictionary” chronicles the narrator’s relationship with his girlfriend through original dictionary “definitions.” Inspired and intrigued by the book’s unique form, I asked for similar definitions from Bowdoin students.
The thoughts in this compilation are individual in nature, and yet they are universal. If we are honest with ourselves we can learn from every romantic interaction, however brief. Whether your experience with romance has been transcendental or just really dumb, whether you’re gay or straight or figuring it out, whether you are committed or alone, many of these stories will seem strangely familiar. They involve our hearts, and although love isn’t necessarily the right word for some of these definitions, I believe it’s an underlying aspiration in all of our lives.
The Lover’s Dictionary: Bowdoin Edition
alloy n. Hooking up with you was a strange mixture of sadness and happiness. Partway through I realized that I was hopelessly attracted to you and—simultaneously— that you were never going to call me again… I was right, I nearly always am.
believe, v. Halfway through spring semester, and we have no idea what we’ll be doing over the summer. But when you mentioned our ninety-year-old selves together, and the rocking chair I mentioned so long ago, I knew it would be true.
carousel, n. It’s magical, childlike and illuminating, at first. But along the way the lights begin to lose their spark, and we argue, fight and cry. Should I stay on or get off?
challenge, n. What draws me in is when I’m wowed by the intelligence or passion of another person. When I aspire to be like them, or want to know more about them–most of all when I can’t stop “trying to figure them out”–that’s when I feel most challenged and most alive. This sense of possibility and suggestion of being better than who you are in a given moment is beautiful.
competition, n. I later realized that my love of the thrill of going toe-to-toe with you was both what originally made me want to be with you and what eventually led you to break up with me.
contrast, n. It may have seemed that when we laid in bed, silent and intertwined, we weren’t sharing anything, but now I know that it was those moments that we were sharing the most honest and basic truths about ourselves.
daunt, v. You look me in the eye and say you don’t know what you’d do without me. I smile, because I love you, so much. But later, when I’m alone, I feel the weight of those words, knowing they aren’t an exaggeration. I hold your happiness in the palms of my hands. You are so delicate, and I wonder what a life spent treating you gently– so gently– would be like. I wonder if I will ever be able to hurt you, and if I can be happy if I don’t scream, and slam, and tell a harsh truth from time to time. But I love you– I love you so dearly– that I sometimes think I could bear that sort of silence for you. I hold you in the palms of my hands, and I am scared for us both.
dementia, n. You held me at arm’s length for so long that I forgot why I was struggling to get closer.
ephemeral, adj. The first time, your hands could not contain themselves, and lightly explored every inch of my body, from the cave of my ear to the valley of my waist, as you held me close and said I never had to leave. That part was a lie, but the energy radiating from your curious touch that night was not. Sometimes I still lightly trace the curve of my hip and pretend it’s you.
fickle, adj. I was gone for a semester, she said she loved me. Before I got back, she decided she loved someone else. Just like that, a year’s worth of affection, devotion, and love… gone.
filed, adj. We were never able to say anything to each other, so, under the guise of many drawn out “jokes,” we played it out for the camera. The only evidence of our fake-implicitly-real-never-spoken relationship lies in forgotten pictures on our phones.
forgiving, adj. if you cannot forgive someone for something they’ve done and if you cannot accept their flaws, then you can never love them
fuzzy, adj.
- The feeling you get inside when you see the person you love.
- The blanket that you share while cuddled up on the couch.
- Your memories of exes from before meeting that special someone.
haggis, n. What you had to offer me in our relationship; that moment when I realized that what you had to offer me was not sweet and delicious, but rather a plate of the worst of your innards, and that though this was the case, and I was strongly mistaken, I was still expected to partake.
hyperaware, adj. Before you sang your first note, you saw me in a crowd of a thousand. I waved, and you fumbled.
lack, n.
You look into my eyes with rapture, while the only thing I can focus on is how the colors in your irises bleed together.
lost, adj. Unable to go forward or backward because you no longer know which way is which; unsure of where you want to go because you don’t know where it will lead; how I feel about you.
mistaken adj. we exchange numbers. I watch over your shoulder as you enter the wrong name into your contact list. “Oh well,” I think, “Maybe that’s who I am tonight…”
obstacle, n. You can’t love someone until you love yourself.
peace, n. That state of being I find myself in when the two of us rest on each other’s bodies after making love. There is no sound in the room except our faint breathing and the world is quiet for a few moments. It is that moment where I feel no worry, no pain, no stress– only sweet, liquid peace.
personal trainer, n. She always made me want to be stronger, faster, funnier, more confident. With her, I played football, skinny dipped in the river, and wrote love notes on playing cards. I imagine her telling me to keep pushing and go farther than I thought possible. I grew, both physically and mentally. She was the only one who could motivate me with a single word.
proximity, n. there was no tension in our limbs when we embraced. There was no fear in our eyes when we beheld one another. There was no space between us, only love.
restraining-order, n. “Umm…I don’t even know you,” she apprehensively quipped. “Yeah good point. Does this smell like chloroform?”
rise, v. I hadn’t considered how much the memories had burned themselves into my gut until I realized that I couldn’t stand to eat breakfast at Moulton without you. I miss getting ready to face the day with you.
risk, n. That delicious sinking feeling when you melt into someone else, knowing that part of you will never come back and not wanting it to. The snag of a heart string, stuck on your sleeve.
saturated, adj. Remember when all the blues weren’t so pale during the winter? Or when the yellows seemed to hum with our singing? How about when red felt like your head in my arms? Purple tasted of strawberry and cream cheese sandwiches made at midnight. Green smelled of summer nights on the trampoline, watching the stars. Remember? Sometimes.
siege, n. I walk into a room and want the best in you to be dancing on the floor for the joy of it, to talk to me like it knows me (it does), and let me softly ask it to my bed. That beautiful body of yours makes me hopeful about your insides (I keep forgetting that after the siege breaks, you march gleaming into a city of the sh*tstained starving). I don’t think I’m a mugger, babe, when I say that that’s the hard way.
silly, adj. The first night we hooked up I danced the “Jerk” knowing I was bad. You laughed and said, “You’re amazing.” I haven’t stopped laughing since.
struck, v. The first time I saw him, across the quad, I stopped dead in my tracks, overwhelmed by a single thought that I couldn’t get out of my head. “He is going to change my life,” I said aloud, over and over again. I even thought I was being creepy at the time. Turns out, creepy or not, it was always true.
support, n. Whenever we’re walking across campus and the ground is covered with slick ice, you know just when to put your hand to the small of my back to help me keep my balance. I’m clumsy, but you make up for it.
taste n. Getting a text from my mom letting me know that the guy I used to chase around the playground in pre- school was in the local police logs…I always have known how to pick them.
tingly, adj. When I think about you and all rational thoughts fly out the window, replaced with a desire to kiss your face or hold you. And then I realize that this is how all my straight friends must have felt in middle school, and it’s so amazing finally being me and feeling like this, with you.
trust, adj. Being far away and knowing the person will be there waiting. Having faith and a heart freed from the burden of an unforgiving and distrustful heart.
vulnerable, adj. Getting off that plane felt dangerous. All I could do was put one foot in front of the other, with each step becoming harder, each step bringing more nervousness, and each step bringing me closer to you. Thoughts racing through my head, “What if the semester abroad had irrevocably changed us? What if we no longer even recognized one another?” The outline of your body emerges from across the terminal. Your head is turned away, I wonder, “Are you looking for me?” I pause and take a breath. Your head turns towards me. Your smile carries me to you. The moment I feared, the moment of silence, the moment of truth, is broken by our embrace.
wistful, adj. Almost every day you pass by me, and I smile but it’s like I’m not even there. I fade into the wall and cease to exist for you. I ought to stop trying, but every day I smile at you anyway, hoping eventually you’ll be able to separate me from the wallpaper.
Appendix: Love, n.
A. You wrote me letters far more often than I could return the favor. If only you knew I wanted to more than anything. Distance is the devil, but we can do it, we’ve been doing it. Hang on to the time together, and imagine what will be, come forever.
B. The first time I saw you so full of confidence during my very first class at Bowdoin, I thought, “Damn…he is one of those popular kids I have seen many of in high school who will not give me a second glance.” Though you never made the effort to take it much further, I will always be thankful to you for showing me that I can and am able to manage to get someone like you to pay attention to me…for however short amount of time.
C. Whenever you were near me my eyes automatically shot towards you. How desperately I wanted to touch and to hold, but also to just be in your presence. I find myself blushing and giggling uncontrollably. I find myself forgetting my shyness and suddenly bursting with energy. Dancing, singing, upping the volume in my voice. Anything to make you notice me. I smile as hard as I can so you will fall for me. It is the moment of no return. Now you consume all thoughts and dreams. The only thing I ever pray for now is the opportunity to spend one more second in your presence, even if it means seeing you with someone else. To be near you is enough to sustain my fantasies for a lifetime. Eternal Sunshine combined with everlasting bliss. A mind f*ck.
D. A cold black stone. A black hole with nothing in it but a knife. A cocoon from which the butterfly never emerges but it wants to!
E. Love at Bowdoin. I found it, I know what it means to finally put someone before me and I’m crazy about him. But one other thing — everybody at this school gets in the way, either because their drunk or they are looking to get with anything that crosses their path. Being in love at Bowdoin has made me happier and strangely unhappier all at the same time. Love means something amazing, but also feeling like everybody and their mother is waiting to bump you off of that happy precipice. It’s more like crazy in love. (Thanks Beyonce)
F. Knowing that that person will be waiting for you at the end of the day, supporting you no matter what.
Sources: anonymous Bowdoin students