Things I Would Let Bowdoin Sue Me For

According to HuffPost, Yale and UPenn are suing some of their alumni for defaulting on Perkins Loans. I would never let Bowdoin sue me for something like that. I would, however, let Bowdoin sue me for the following:

1. Wearing Bowdoin apparel while running for the first time in 3 months
2. Writing crappy cover letters to prominent Bowdoin alumni
3. Hazy understanding of sub-Saharan geography (Mali ????????? South Africa)
4. Crippling reliance on spellcheck
5. Not knowing which lane to turn into when nobody else is on the road
6. The gum I stuck on the back of the shelf above my bed
7. Inappropriate jokes I hypothetically made about Barry Mills and “small business”
8. Supporting Crack House as a franchise
9. Never recycling my napkins in the napkin recycling bin
10. Leaving my mini-fridge plugged in over break
11. Taking 30-minute showers, 15 minutes of which I sat on the floor
12. Taking someone else’s panini
13. Abuse of various campus elevators
14. Ordering books from other libraries and never picking them up
15. Not donating maybe (in advance)
16. Walk of shaming over Joshua Chamberlain’s dead body 
17. Pronouncing Quinby “Quimby” in the past and also now
18. Telling people “it’s ok” that they’ve never heard of Bowdoin…it’s not ok.
19. Accidentally telling some people a long time ago that Thoreau is an alumni
20. Hating the first 50 pages of the ‘Scarlet Letter’
21. Googling the spelling of ‘scarlet’ just now
22. Telling my roommates that I was protesting the hegemonic hold that hockey has on the school, when in actuality I was too tired to go to the Bowdoin/Colby game and didn’t want to seem “unfun”
23. Thinking (as I finished typing the above) that “unfun.” could be an interesting parody band on fun., and also a viable post-graduation option
24. Maybe not marrying someone that went to Bowdoin
25. Maybe marrying someone that went to Colby
26. Maybe not getting married, owning a lot of cats, naming them all after Bowdoin’s deceased war heroes, and sending their pictures to the ‘Bowdoin Daily Sun’
27. Telling everyone about that time Longfellow got diarrhea in the library…and repeating it now
28. Googling the spelling of diarrhea just now