Last week, I educated you ladies on the Orgasm Gap, you can visit that article if you want more information about the previous topic. Now, I am going to school you on how to communicate your sexual needs with your intimate partner. Beware, this can be a very touchy subject causing a lot of anxiety coming from not being satisfied or fulfilled and not wanting to hurt their partner.
Don’t Wait, Say Something
There are sometimes just moments where a sexual encounter is not on its best game, but if you are seeing a consistent pattern of not being satisfied then it needs to be addressed. Making suggestions during “sexy time” or redirecting your partner is often received well during times of pleasure.
This can just be a vocal cue or a physical redirection such as, moving their hand to a place that feels better for you. Moving a hand to the right or left in the heat of the moment can take things to the next level, if done right. This is a simple gesture that can impact the success rate and build intimacy with a partner as you get to know each other’s bodies better.
Make a List
Sit down and write down “I” statements addressing your concerns. Writing things down to ensure you address all your concern. Always remember to speak gently and concise. When talking about this with your partner, it is important to not criticize them but to focus on your own feelings. Using “I” statements in times of general conflict is a nice piece of advice. When you use “I” your partner will not feel like they are to blame for the conflict but more like you want to come to resolution with them.
Discuss Fantasies
Discussing kinks and different fantasies is one way to make sure you’re satisfied. Partaking in a conversation expressing your deepest fantasies and seeing if they are compatible with you partner is a great way to build sexual energy and intimacy. Trying new things in bed never hurts, but be sure to use consent and safe words when performing any sexual act.
The sexual tension that is created purely from just talking about your kinks to someone you are attracted to is unmatched. This can sometimes be hard when your don’t have much experience and don’t know what you want. In this case, I recommend taking a BDSM test. Do not be afraid, BDSM gets a bad rap but once you do more research and separate the real from the fake, it is an extremely interesting community to be apart of, some even centering their lives around their kinks and pleasures.
Knowing what you want during a sexual experience can sometimes be hard when you haven’t branched out much. In this case, YOU need to take control of your own pleasure. If you refrain how you navigate sexual experiences, turning attention off of the constant need to provide for your partner you can focus on what you may need to ensure you enjoy the experience. Focusing on your pleasure will make it easier for you to know what you like and makes experimenting in safe spaces super fun. When done properly and with a loving partner, this will also ease performance anxiety and help you to establish boundaries.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are very important to life in general, so if you haven’t established some make it a priority. Especially before going on a journey of sexual experimentation. Having boundaries in place keeps you from feeling uncomfortable with something you experienced while having sex by asking for it not to be done in the first place. So once you experiment with something you can categorize it as a green, yellow, or red action.
Like the colors on a stop light they can signal what is a go, what is a proceed with caution, and what is a no in your book. Expressing these things with your partner will ensure you are always comfortable and consenting during sexual encounters.
I asked a couple of friends of mine how they would want a sexual partner to address not feeling satisfied when having sex with them. Overall, the general consensus was to just explain how you feel in a polite manner but then, I got into a very interesting conversation with my friend, Benson. He explained to me that personally, he believes that sex starts from the start of being attracted to someone.
Sex is not just about the nerve endings in your body getting some kind of satisfaction, but it is an act of intimacy. With that being said, the goal of providing sexual satisfaction goes beyond penetration and even beyond clitoral stimulation. You have to stimulate the mind, the body and the soul. Benson told me he begins intimacy first thing in the morning when in committed relationships. This means sweet talking, compliments, maybe a sext or two. He uses this to set the mood and tone for the rest of the day before it is even confirmed if sex will happen. This creates a safe environment for his partner so she can express her need if she ever needed to.
Sex is not something you do to another person but something you do with another person. Do not allow someone to do sex to you and don’t just do sex to others. Communicating your sexual needs to your intimate partner is a recurring conversation not a one time conversation. Make sure to do check in to keep things HOT! Take charge of your own pleasure and talk about it with your partners. Having good sex boils down to communicating honestly and building intimacy with a partner. The more intimacy and communication the more toe curling coitus you will be able to experience. We are aiming for pleasure by any means necessary, but always remember the golden rule.
Golden Rule: Consent is key and mandatory.
HAPPY F***ING!