I love fall. It’s my favorite season. I love pumpkin-flavored drinks, sweater weather, and the crisp mornings. Most of all, I love seeing how the trees transform with the changing colors of the leaves. This year, I had a new perspective about these changing colors. This year, I wondered, is their transformation beautiful like a caterpillar into a monarch butterfly, or is it a betrayal of sorts, showing their true colors?
It is now my second year in college, and I’ve had my fair share of toxic friends and friend groups. I’ve lost many people who I thought were my true friends, my ride or dies, dare I say, my soul sisters. The pain of losing these people is what I saw in those falling leaves this autumn. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting to be in a toxic friendship and even more so to leave one. So, I would like to talk about the qualities of a true friend: an evergreen, one might say.
#1 Selfless Love
Selfless love: a true friend will love you for who you are. True friends don’t hang out with you for your looks, nice car, or your talents. True friends choose to spend time with you regardless of all the external things in life; they only care about the internal qualities of who you are or your personality.
I think friendships today have become more selfish or less selfless than we think or want to accept. Sometimes, we’re friends with people because of convenience. We could be friends with someone because they’re in the same school, live nearby, or play the same sport, etc. This is completely okay, of course. This may be how you meet some of your lifelong friends. However, it’s important to consider if you would still be friends after that factor of convenience goes away. Would you still keep connections if transferred to a different school or university? Would you still be friends if they moved to a different state? These are the tests that show true friendships.
Any friendship or relationship starts with a reason to be friends. This could be anything like, I like this person’s style, this person is really nice to me, or we have the same Starbucks order. Gradually, these reasons go away. There is no specific reason for loving a friend: you simply do. You love their personality. You love who they are. You love their soul. This is selfless love in friendship, and it takes time to build this, but it’s beautiful once you get there.
#2 No Expectations
No expectations: a true friend doesn’t want anything in return for your friendship, be it tangible or intangible. This could mean a variety of things. A true friendship isn’t based on giving expensive gifts on birthdays or keeping/returning favors. If we have certain expectations or criteria of people, are they our friends or our coworkers?
Someone who is your evergreen will give you reassurance without expecting anything in return. Take the example of trees. Trees are always giving even though people are always taking things from them. Trees provide us with shade. Trees give us fruits and vegetation. Trees nourish and shelter all kinds of animals in their trunks, branches, and leaves. Trees don’t ask for rent from the squirrels who reside in their trunk. Trees don’t expect us to water or fertilize them. Trees are ever-giving.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t expect good things like love, warmth, kindness, and respect from your friends. You should. However, I feel that friendships that focus more on trust, loyalty, understanding, and acceptance are much stronger than those filled with expectations.
#3 Honesty
Honesty: a true friend does not lie to you. As simple as this seems, honesty is challenging to find. An honest friend will give you their actual opinion and advice on various topics. They won’t tell you what you want to hear; instead, they will tell you what they want to say.
Honesty is a core trait to building trust in a friendship or any relationship. Friends should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes. Even if they disagree about prominent topics, they should be able to respect the other’s opinion and maintain their friendship. This could be something as small as the best Pringles flavor or something more significant like believing in God. I understand that disagreements on certain issues can lead to losing a friend, especially matters strongly associated with life principles, but that is another thing.
Honesty can also take the form of advice. If a friend truly believes you are doing something wrong or something is causing you harm, they will be the first person to tell you. And they will say it in a manner and tone that shows they care about you. If a friend notices that you’re heading down the wrong path, they will try their absolute best to bring you back to the right one. Of course, they will not force you down any road, but they will try their best to guide you the right way. Think of it like a road trip: you’re driving, and your friend is riding shotgun. A true friend will give you directions on where to go, but they won’t forcefully move the steering wheel. You are in control of the car, and they do their best to keep you on the desirable highway to your destination.
#4 Efforts
Efforts: a true friend puts effort into your relationship to meet you halfway. Efforts are needed for any friendship to be sustained. Putting in time to show you care about your friends, that you support them, and are there for them wherever they need you is vital. Everyone has a different way of showing their efforts, but the efforts are there in some shape or form.
This doesn’t have to be a big, elaborate showcase. It could be little things, like asking them how their day was, sending them a picture of something cute from the store that reminded you of them, or even knowing their favorite color. Even a random call or Facetime to catch up can strengthen your friendship. More prominent things could be planning a surprise party for them, getting/making something they’ve always wanted, or opening up to them about personal experiences from your life.
Personally, I feel that the little things that friends do for each other matter more than big things. I feel loved when my friends send me cute reels on Instagram or when they call me out of the blue. The bigger, more emotional efforts that are placed in a relationship are crucial as well. These are what create stronger bonds between two people.
#5 Upliftment
Upliftment: a true friend works towards (and cares for) your upliftment. They want to see you blossom into the best version of yourself because they care about you. They want you to be successful in your chosen endeavors, whether it is a career or a personal goal. They won’t just verbally express this; they will act upon it.
Friends working for your upliftment can be seen in multiple ways. Maybe they come to all of your games if you’re a student-athlete or come to your plays if you’re a theater & film major. Maybe if you’ve conveyed feeling stressed about an upcoming exam or class, they plan a late-night study session with you to encourage you. Maybe they text you good luck before a big art critique or job interview. Maybe they remind you every night to journal if you’re trying to use that technique for your mental health.
The point is, they will be your biggest cheerleader as you work towards a goal. They want the best for you and will actively work for your upliftment in aspects of life.
Unfortunately, even finding one true evergreen is a challenge. It’s not unattainable, but it takes time and patience to find your people. I encourage everyone to introspect on the friendships you have and who you are as a friend to others. It’s just as important to try to imbibe these qualities in ourselves so that we can be someone else’s evergreen.
There are numerous qualities in a true friend, but these are the ones that stick out to me. Friendship is truly a beautiful thing. Two human beings supporting each other, being there for each other through warm sunny days and cold winter nights, simply because they want to.