Growing up, I imagined the older version of myself to be the eldest daughter who gave “main character energy”. My ultimate goal was to move far away from my hometown for college and make an impact so big that everyone from home would know about it. I heard consistent and accurate allegations that college, especially out-of-state schools, cost more money than my young mind could fathom. Still, I was convinced that somehow, I could be the exception and find a way to earn a full academic scholarship or to pay off everything as I went. When I was told I could do anything I set my mind to, I wholeheartedly believed it. This belief was a bit delusional at times, yes, but it is what drove me to aim big and keep up hope. Regretting latching onto that mindset would be counterintuitive to honoring my growth as a person, so I have no regrets. However, I do wish I had had a less strict internal definition of what this “main character” life was supposed to look like. Â
While I once found myself dreaming of traveling across the country on an academic scholarship, I now find myself dreaming of choosing the right loan to pay off my school. I once dreamt I would never get homesick and would rarely come back once I left. I now find myself sad and homesick on random nights of the week when I’m just an hour and a half away from home. I once dreamt that everyone would immediately love me once I got to college since everyone is supposedly more mature. I now dream of seeing the handful of people I genuinely connect with a few times a week due to our busy schedules. Â
For the longest time, and even some now, I beat myself up for “failing”, in a sense, to become the person the little girl in me dreamt about. I felt myself looking back often and questioning what I could have done or said differently to land me an academic scholarship. I second-guessed who I was at my core and how that may have led me to choose a closer university as opposed to one farther away. I would tell myself how pathetic I was for missing home after all the time I spent ready to go on to something bigger and better. I looked at the person in the mirror feeling like everything I had spent time creating her to be turned out so different from the original vision. Until recently, I sort of just sat feeling like I didn’t fully know who I was and wondering if I was any of the things I perceived myself to be. It was a pretty deep existential crisis to be having at 20 years old. While I still fade in and out of the crisis, I’m slowly pulling myself out quicker each time it strikes me down again. Maybe it’s my frontal lobe developing or maybe it’s just me gaining self-confidence, but I’ve had the realization, which may not sound like much of a realization at all, that I don’t need to force myself into a pre-determined box of characteristics. Life can be simpler than thinking of how everyone else perceives you 24/7. In fact, it’s meant to be simpler. Â
This metaphorical box contained the characteristics of basic, “good”, main character girls whom everyone loved. I clung to some of the characteristics even if they weren’t really me because I was convinced that this was what everyone did to be liked, loved, and appreciated. When I found myself grinding my teeth to make myself more socially extroverted than I wanted to be, I thought of how if I didn’t do this it would seem like I had no friends. In my mind, to have a few good friends was more desirable than being social with everyone. To the world, though, the opposite was true. So, I did what the world wanted. I did what the world wanted, but I lost the woman I was. I would beat myself up for not conforming to the internal definition of the “perfect” girl, and I would beat myself up for not remaining true to my authentic self. I would give everyone unconditional love but withhold it from myself, convincing myself if I just did this or that then I would extend love and acceptance to myself. I always found an excuse to have a lack of self-love, though.Â
Again, all of this is a deeply existential crisis to be having at 20, and maybe I just think too much, maybe I feel too deep, maybe I should stop myself from falling into rabbit holes. But that’s the whole point of this, isn’t it? To be who you are at your core. So what if I’m having an existential crisis at 20? So what if I decide to switch the path I’ve been on for something more emotionally healthy? So what if I decide that who I used to be, my people-pleasing high school self, can fully retire after a year and a half of college? We are all on our own timelines, and there is no reason you can’t reinvent yourself or make changes for the better at any point. It doesn’t mean that past you was any less genuine or real. Those girls were simply doing what it took to survive and thrive in that stage of life. So, don’t rush your life through each version of yourself, but also don’t cling to old habits you feel are holding you back. Mourn your old self but keep the lessons and joy you received along the way. Think of past you often and envision yourself giving each version of her a hug. These past girls are who have made you into the woman you are today, and they would all be insanely proud of where you are now. Â