I first discovered what aphantasia was when my AP Music Theory teacher told us to “envision the piano in your head.” I, of course, turned to my friend and said “I don’t know why he tells us to ‘envision a piano’, it’s not like you can actually see the piano in your head.” The next conversation went as follows.
Friend: Yes you can.
Jessie: No, you can’t see things in your head.
F: YES. You can.
J: That’s called schizophrenia.
F: No, when you like ‘picture’ something in your head.
J: But you don’t actually see it?
F: Yes, you can imagine it in your head.
J: *existential crisis ensues*
After a lot of research I discovered that apparently, most people can create images in their minds. This concept is still wild to me. I process the world mostly through facts and emotions. I understand concepts, but I am really bad at remembering visual details.
I have never been able to “see things” in my head, and after discovering that most people can, so much of my life makes a lot more sense.
Common phrases like “count sheep” or “retrace your steps” always confused me as a child. What was I supposed to do? Think “one sheep, two sheep, three sheep”? Was I just supposed to think of where I had been last? I couldn’t just bring the image into my mind to analyze.
Meditation was also such a wild concept to me. Why would people sit and think of an ocean for 45 minutes? I had no clue that people could actually watch an ocean in their mind. Even writing this has me thinking I am understanding wrong, that is just so weird.
I always knew that the way I think is different. I thought I didn’t have an imagination and would be jealous of my brother, who seemed to be able to entertain himself with a stick and sound effects.
Now I know that my experience is something called aphantasia, or “mind-blindness.”
It’s not a medical condition, it’s just the way I think. I can’t visualize things in my head.
I am bad at names and remembering where things are, but I really understand concepts and ideas. I read books faster than most people because I don’t picture what’s happening as I read. I just enjoy the plot and character development.
A big thing people ask me about is dreams … the million-dollar question. Yes, I dream. No, I don’t see them. I just know what’s happening. I don’t know how else to explain it. I rely heavily on emotion, which makes nightmares powerful. I get intense waves of fear and a blurry understanding of what is happening.
Yes, I know what my mom looks like, but I can’t picture it in my head.
The best way to describe is that I “just know.”
Another big thing people ask about is my other senses. No, I can’t hear, smell, taste, or feel touch in my head. Everyone is different in the extent that they can “sense” internally, but I have pretty much none of it.
I don’t have an internal monologue either, I describe all my thoughts as just kind of being there in a cloud. They are condensation, not a river.
I think differently from most people, but that’s okay! The more I learn how to describe my mind, the easier it is to identify and work with.