Even though there are seven billion people on the planet from whom you can choose, you’re going to wind up with a few difficult friends. And even though there are 6,999,999,999 other fish in the sea, you might be invested in saving one of those frustrating friendships.
Rooted in the hard science of Friendology, this guide will help you identify, name and understand those tricky friends. This week’s guide is all about the difficulties that can arise from spilling your guts. Maybe she flees the second your smile changes to a frown. Or maybe she needs you to be her rock but, in reality, you just want to throw one at her. Whatever the case, this guide should help you get your friendship running more smoothly.
The patient friend
Who is she?
The patient friend is the girl who makes you swear you’re a natural-born psychologist. She’s nice, loyal and fun, but she has the tendency to turn your coffee-dates into therapy sessions. It’s flattering, because she really respects your sage advice. When you bring up your issues, however, she freezes.
Why is she like that?
Don’t be fooled and think she doesn’t care about you. She trusts you enough to share her secrets and thinks you’re smart enough to know solutions. But she’s so eager to spill her guts that you can’t get a word in edgewise. You feel like she doesn’t want to listen, so you don’t share, and she thinks you don’t share because you don’t want or need to.
What should you do?
Break the cycle yourself. You might seem distant or superhuman to her, but she’s ready to listen if you open up. Let your guard down slowly by working your own personal experiences into the advice you give her. When you’re ready, tell her what’s going on in your life, just don’t get discouraged if she doesn’t give you inspired advice. She might not be your therapist, but she can lend an ear and be your Ben&Jerry’s-and-rom-com-marathon-pal.
If you had a nickel for every time the patient friend came to you for help …
The fair-weather friend
Who is she?
This girl can be one of your best girlfriends when you’re getting along and your lives are going well. But the second your friendship hits a snag, or your boyfriend dumps you, or you have an existential crisis, she’s long gone. This girl can’t weather a storm.
Why is she like that?
She seems to lack the patience to stick by you. While that may be true, she might be going through a rough patch herself. She doesn’t have the energy to take on your problems or open up about her own. It’s also possible that in the past she’s been your therapist friend, you’ve been her patient friend, and she’s tired of that arrangement. She might be worried that you’ll unload on her.
What should you do?
Be the one to reach out when she gets distant. Offer to do something fun and avoid venting to her when you’re together. You shouldn’t need to put on an act for her; if you have to do that in order for her to stick around, then she really isn’t a reliable friend. But when you do bring up the ex-boyfriend, keep it short, avoid melodrama and, above all else, make sure she understands that all you want her to do is listen.
Whatever trouble you’re having, she doesn’t want to hear it.
The poor-weather friend
Who is she?
Just like the fair-weather friend, this girl’s flakiness may well depend on the climate. The poor-weather friend is only a friend when her life is stormy. When the winds change, she reappears and dumps her burdens, her dramas and a multitude of minor annoyances on you. She can be confused with the patient but, unlike the patient, the poor-weather friend isn’t interested in getting your advice, and isn’t an otherwise loyal friend.
Why is she like that?
If your poor-weather friend seems self-involved, it’s because she is. Her narcissism, however, doesn’t necessarily come from a place of vanity. She’s probably a confused person who is under a lot of stress. Although she’s guilty of embellishing, her laments hold a kernel of truth, which might be more serious than she lets on. The fair- and poor-weather friends both try to keep you at a distance. While one won’t let you into her personal world at all, the other exaggerates her world so much that you don’t want to enter it.
What should you do?
Tread carefully—she’s a tough one. She might be a major drama queen, or she might have major depression. If you want to keep her as a friend, have activities planned when you hang out. The more structure you have, the less opportunity there is for her to get bummed out and vent. But the best thing you can do is confront her about her behavior. Really, it works. You’d be surprised, but she probably has no idea how she’s affecting you. She doesn’t realize that you too can be brought down by her complaints. Let her know that you care about her and want to be there for her, but that you feel overwhelmed. Remind her that if something serious is going on, you’ll stick with her, and that she doesn’t have to put on a show to get your attention.
Every day feels like a rainy day around her…