October 27, 2018
18 Cheshvan 5779
The building housing Tree of Life, New Light, Dor Hadash.
11 kedoshim, holy ones, left this world too soon.
In the year following, I hit a low.
I lost my whole self.
I spent my days wandering, to where I did not know for my mind was stuck in the morning of October 27th.
I spent my nights crying, fearful of a future I could not see with me in it.
I spent my moments void of faith, void of holiness.
My life was in shambles.
I had to spend months putting it back together.
This is when I leaned into loving kindness.
Chesed in Hebrew; it is a very Jewish concept.
This concept refers to the kindness towards others and towards our community, but for myself I must begin engaging in this through turning this inwardly towards myself.
Chesed and mental health are intertwined in this way.
Chesed, loving kindness is what I leaned into.
I leaned into the spark of divine energy present within all of us that for me, on October 27th, became buried in a blanket of despair.
I prayed with my eyes closed, tears streaming from my eyes as in the midst of my synagogue, nothing felt real to me anymore.
This year, I prayed to find myself again.
I found myself through loving kindness.
I found myself in this meditation
https://unsplash.com/photos/t9Ebwum2wMA
Close your eyes.
Take a few deep breaths.
Allow your body to relax into the beauty of the moment.
Do not drift into the past, do not question the future.
This moment, this is your moment.
Think of a person who you love.
Who makes you smile.
Who has showed you kindness, love, and cares for you as you.
Think of this person and where this love finds itself within your body.
Allow this loving, compassionate feeling to fill you up.
You are always worthy of this love.
Allow this feeling to exist within your body.
You are a soft, smoothly flowing river.
Within that river, loving kindness flows endlessly.
If you notice feelings of unworthiness, or part of yourself trying to reject this love, compassion, it is okay.
Give your heart time to accept this love.
For it is always here for you.
Allow your raw emotions to exist authentically; remember, this person is never going away.
Their love is always here for you to lean into.
https://unsplash.com/photos/PyVuRjSb9Jo
Allow this love to embrace you like a warm blanket, comforting you and reminding you of your beauty.
Your worth.
Think of the joy and the love that you will give to this world for within you a river of loving kindness always flows.
If you heal from human contact, imagine this warmth as a hug, a hand to hold, as a physical embrace that will allow the love to continue to flow.
And with this contact, their love for you is reciprocated, allowing you both to exist in a space of loving kindness.
As you feel this love, try to engage with your spiritual side.
Immerse your spirit in prayer.
Engage passionately with the holy words of your tradition.
You are in a holy space.
Divine light filters into your space, into your heart, reflecting onto your river as you pray, uninterrupted.
Nothing in this world can stop you.
Maybe the person you thought of is beside you.
Maybe the person is someone else.
Maybe it is your whole community.
Maybe it is the entire world.
Send your love to this person whoever it may be.
Send your strength to this person,
This community.
Allow your rivers to come together in a mighty stream of consciousness, of prayer.
Allow your river to flow in this holy space, without fear, without judgement.
Exist authentically, mind body and spirit.
Your divine spark runs through your river turning it to honey.
Sweetness.
You pray as sweetness falls from your lips, the divine light passes through every barrier no matter how dense, no matter how dark.
https://unsplash.com/photos/lPUD8oldJvE
As you accept the love you accept the light within it.
If the light fades, remember that with the love it is always here, and is always able to come back.
As you allow this love and light to envelop your entire bring, and as you allow yourself to reciprocate these to those you care for, remember you are safe.
They are safe.
In this world filled with so much uncertainty and darkness, recognize the beauty of this moment, where you are safe, the people you love are okay, and let their love be even more meaningful with the understanding that you are healing, you are allowed to heal, and you will be okay.
Allow air to fill your lungs, your body to be hydrated, well fed, and well rested for it is a holy act to take care of your body.
That divine spark is within you.
It never left.
https://unsplash.com/photos/hBzrr6m6-pc
It is okay to lose this divinity sometimes for everyone does; what is powerful is to find it again.
Like you find your breath.
Like your soul finds you as it returns to your body every morning.
You are worthy of life.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of the loving kindness that flows throughout your body.
Lean into this now; lean into the love within your heart, the love of others; remind yourself of your strength, how you survived to reach this moment.
Let holiness fill your soul like sweet honey until it overflows.
Let this carry your soul across the river that flows within you, as you take the love from this person, and the love from your own river and keep it close to you.
https://unsplash.com/photos/rMomUnwLOQs
Let your whole being drown in loving kindness for within your spirit is the capacity to, in the darkest of moments, come back to the light.
The love.
Always.
—
Last year, I prayed with tears in my eyes.
Today, I pray with only sweetness, smiles and as I sway to melodies, I know that my place has always been here.
Today,
I spend my days with a glowing smile on my face.
I spent some days crying, on days where it is okay to be sad.
I spend my happy days, being genuinely happy.
I spend my nights crying when I need to let it go.
I spend my life in a series of moments, always returning to peace.
To the serenity that is my own river of loving kindness.
Today it overflows.
Through chesed I put my pieces back together again.
Through my own divine spark I find my purpose in life.
On the day I become a spiritual leader, I will speak these same mantras.
There is no question; it is not an if but a when.
I see a future with me in it.
My flame has only begun to burn, and this warmth will spread across the world. For within each person exists a world. A world worthy of light.
https://unsplash.com/photos/ri8f19gaB7I
Find your loving kindness.
Find those who will allow your river to flow as strong as ever.
This power is within you as well.
I hope you can find it as I did this year.
These are words from my heart.
This is how I was able to facilitate my healing.
This is how I continue to heal.
Thank you to those who brought me to this moment where I can meditate on my healing.
Zichronam livracha.
May their memory be a blessing.