For this article, I set out to gather a range of different sexual experiences to help break the idea that sex is the same for everyone. In this weeks article, 6 women shared their stories with me by answering a set number of questions. I hope that each reader can find something relatable in their experiences and break free from the idea that is spoon-fed to us that each persons sex life is supposed to look the same. Just a disclaimer, I let the girls have free-reign to answer any question that they wanted to, which is why some questions are missing responses.
What was your first time like?
Girl #1 (21, she/her): “I found my first time really awkward. Neither of us really knew what we were doing”
Girl #2 (21, she/her, heterosexual): “My first time was pretty much how I imagined every girls to be like – painful and really awkward. I do not regret the person I lost it to at all, though. We were together for two years, and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with that person.”
Girl #3 (20, she/her, bisexual): “I was so excited for my first time and thought I was ready for that step at 15, and felt so mature for losing it to an 18-year-old at the time. The concerning thing is, he knew my age and didn’t mind. He then ghosted me after we slept together. This caused me to build up a huge barrier and realise that not everyone’s intentions are pure. On reflection, it actually helped me to disassociate emotions from sexual interactions. A silver lining, I guess.”
Girl #4 (20, she/her, heterosexual): “My first time was very comfortable and not as scary as I thought it would be. I was calm, and the pain didn’t last very long. Being drunk definitely made it easier for me, but I wasn’t too drunk to the point where I didn’t know what I was doing.”
Girl #5 (21, she/they, bisexual): “My first time was phenomenal! I lost my virginity to a good friend of mine as we both felt ready to explore our sexuality. We were both 14, which is really young, but we felt a lot more mature and ready to uncover that side to ourselves. Not only did I feel comfortable, but I actually orgasmed and was able to come to terms with the fact that I liked women. Especially when I started sleeping with men later on in life and realised they don’t provide the same effort as women, and orgasms become a myth. Women can lose their virginity to other women, and seeing it solely as an activity limited between men and women is misogynistic.”
What are the red flags that’ll make you not want a relationship with someone?
Girl #1 (21, she/her): “The biggest red flags to me are when men are manipulative. I also hate it when men tell me that they find me annoying or don’t make any effort. The worst of them all is when they objectify you and only want you for your body.”
Girl #2 (21, she/her, heterosexual): “My most recent relationship taught me not to ignore any red flags. I’ll never be with someone with a slight temper again. My ex had a huge temper and shouted at me the second I said something he disagreed with, or he’d go for someone if they even just made eye contact with me. So, it’s fair to say I will never go near someone like that again.”
Girl #3 (20, she/her, bisexual): “I have absolutely no time for anyone rude or disrespectful towards another time and space – be kind and honest with others or f*ck off.”
Girl #4 (20, she/her, heterosexual): “A big one of me is them not having Trust in me for no apparent reason and being accused of things I haven’t done. If you are accusing me of doing something for no reason whatsoever and I have done nothing to betray your Trust, I genuinely think its a reflection of you more than me. People who do this are only scared of you doing to them what they do to you. For example, if they don’t trust me going out with my friends without them, that’s because they know how they’d act on a night out with their friends. Another red flag is when they don’t get on well with my family, as mums tend to read people for who they truly are right away. I would say my final red flag is probably motivation. I would never want someone to have a PowerPoint presentation of exactly how their life must play out, but at least have some goals to achieve in life.”
Girl #5 (21, she/they, bisexual): “All I have to say in regards to this question is if they say they are ‘too good for you’ – run for the hills. They really mean that sh*t.”
Have you ever been in love? If so, what does love feel like to you?
Girl #1 (21, she/her): “I’ve said ‘I love you’ to people, but I wouldn’t say I’ve ever actually been in love.”
Girl #2 (21, she/her, heterosexual): “As rough as my last relationship was, I definitely loved him a hell of a lot. I had my whole life planned out with him, which is probably why I stayed so long despite the arguments. Love to me is feeling like you could tell someone anything, and no matter what the thing is, you know they’ll never judge you for it.”
Girl #5 (21, she/they, bisexual): “I’ve only ever been truly in love once, with my most recent ex-partner. There is nothing that I can compare to what it feels like to love someone else, but it definitely comes with a lot of sacrifices, pain and tolerance.”
Girl #6 (20, she/her, queer): “I’ve been in love twice, soon to be thrice. Love isn’t easy – but it shouldn’t always be hard either. Having been in an abusive relationship in my late teens, I’ve experienced the darker side of love, and how easily manipulated, you can be by another. However, it’s important to remember that not everyone is your ex-partner, and there is someone out there who will give you everything you deserve. I always compare love to the warmth of a fire on a crisp winter morning, euphoric and the overwhelming sensation you get when the clock strikes 12 at New Year. Healthy and consistent queer love is beautiful; it feels safe, like coming home.
How would you feel if your partner wanted to bring another person into the equation? (Sex or relationship)
Girl #1 (21, she/her): “I would say no to bringing another person into the relationship because, in my opinion, a relationship should be between two people and loving and supporting each other. It should only ever be about the two of you, whether it’s intimate or not.”
Girl #2 (21, she/her, heterosexual): “Honestly, I’m way too insecure to have someone else in the relationship.”
Girl #3 (20, she/her, bisexual): ” I would be so open to a threesome as I’m single, but I think it would cause a power balance or some jealousy if I were in a relationship. Because I’m single, I couldn’t see it being problematic, but I don’t think I’d be able to handle seeing my partner receive pleasure from another.”
Girl #4 (20, she/her, heterosexual): “For me, I don’t think it’s a ridiculous thing to suggest, and it’s a way of finding boundaries between one another. However, it’s something I could never see myself feeling comfortable with. If I’m in a relationship, I’d only want you, I wouldn’t look for the thrill or the fun within someone else, and I would want us to try new things instead.”
Girl #5 (21, she/they, bisexual): “Listen, I’ve had many threesomes, and I am completely open to having the freedom to love who you want. This is by no means everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s all about communication at the end of the day. I can completely understand if someone I was with wasn’t comfortable with it, and I wouldn’t be unfaithful. I also respect those who wish to stay monogamous. I, however, find monogamy to be quite outdated and rooted in misogyny. The idea of being tied to one person for life is ridiculous to me and a complete restriction of freedom. If I found a partner who was also my best friend, and we always prioritised each other outside of threesomes, etc., and we’re comfortable with it, I don’t see the problem.”
What trait do you look for most in a partner, and why?
Girl #1 (21, she/her): “I look for someone who I can get along with easily, and we can have banter and a laugh together. I think banter is very important in a relationship, but I also value respect too. My partner must respect me, my friends and family.”
Girl #2 (21, she/her, heterosexual): “Ideally, I look for someone with the same interests and motivation as me. The gym is a huge part of my life, and I need someone who has the same commitment to it as I do! I’ve been with people who don’t go to the gym, and it’s never really worked out as they couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t miss a session.”
Girl #3 (20, she/her, bisexual): “In a relationship, I look for someone with ambition, drive and individual style. Having drive means someone is forward-thinking and able to commit/self-motivate and have a sense of independence. This is a green flag to me, as there’s a lesser chance of commitment issues and would have a passion and clear expression of love towards something. It’s fun to be excited about each other’s futures and help each other grow. Individual style additionally makes someone stand out from the crowd; non-conformity is a beautiful thing, and the sense of rebellion/quirk is attractive and enticing. I also look for people who are funny and very open-minded.”
Girl #4 (20, she/her, heterosexual): “Trust. I’m a strong believer that without trust, you have nothing. I want my partner to feel comfortable telling me anything without the risk that I’m going to tell someone else and vice versa. Not only me but my family to trust and welcome you as well; it’s the thing that holds you together, and once the trust slips, I don’t think you’ll fully regain it. It’s almost like the glue of a relationship, and that’s why I think it’s so important.”
Girl #5 (21, she/they, bisexual): “A best friend, one hundred per cent. I look for someone who looks at me and accepts me completely for who I am and how I live my life, and I also hope to give that in return. I hate feeling smothered by people, so it would have to be someone who respects my freedom and lets me have space to grow apart from them so that we can take our different experiences and lives and merge them to create a stable and unbreakable bond.”
Girl #6 (20, she/her, queer): “I look for a half-open book. Someone who is a great communicator, honest and can have a laugh, but not someone who info-dumps really sensitive things on you from the beginning or being really closed off. The process of growing and learning more about one another gradually, and it’s important to appreciate that.”
Finally, what are your turn on’s/turn offs?
Girl #1 (21, she/her): “My turn-ons are someone who lets me be me and is also funny and kind. My biggest turn offs are someone who doesn’t respect me, has toxic behaviours and rushes things.”
Girl #2 (21, she/her, heterosexual): “I love someone who is funny, tall, confident and has a great worth ethic and motivation. I hate people who are stuck up or are over sexual straight away, especially sending d*ck pics. Another turn off is someone who puts another down for comedic value, and also not making eye contact when I’m speaking to them.”
Girl #3 (20, she/her, bisexual): “Humour, style, confidence, and someone calm, open-minded and kind. My turn-offs, though, are greed, shallowness, always agreeing with everything and having god/superiority complexes. I also hate anger, a lack of patience and complicity.”
Girl #4 (20, she/her, heterosexual): “Sexually, I love hair pulling, choking, neck kisses and being dominated. Non sexually, I love someone who makes small gestures to show me they’re thinking of me. I also love when people are comfortable around my family to not have me there, have good hygiene and can be their full self around me.”
Girl #5 (21, she/they, bisexual): “Honestly, my biggest turn-on is humour. I couldn’t be with someone sexually or romantically if they couldn’t make me laugh. I also love consistency. I’m not even going to bother listing my turn-offs as I have too many, particularly when it comes to men. I like to blame my venus for being in Virgo; it makes me a huge nit-picker. It’s a struggle finding someone I truly like; I’m very protective over my energy.”
Girl #6 (20, she/her, queer): “I think people being emotionally intelligent is so sexy; they’re able to feel and embrace their emotions and not suppress them and can communicate how they feel to you. As for turn-offs, I cannot begin to explain how much a low work ethic puts me off in someone. Don’t get me wrong, we all have lazy days, but having no ambition or even a loose plan for the future is straight-up unattractive. We’re adults!”