This past Wednesday, the 11th of October, was National Coming Out day. It’s a day to celebrate being open, being confident and being brave: all qualities that members of the LGBT+ community embody on a regular basis when coming out.
Surprise! I’m queer.
Disclaimer: Yes, I’m a member of the LGBT+ community. Still, my experiences are completely unique. They can’t possibly reflect issues faced by trans* individuals, for instance, or those of a queer person of colour. They also are not representative of every queer woman who uses “bisexual” or “lesbian” as a label, for a whole number of reasons.
I tried to be as general as possible, but keep in mind that the queer experience is specific to the person having it – don’t assume that I’m fully credible to speak for all members of the community. And, most importantly: if a friend disagrees with me, respect how they want to be treated.
With that out of the way, here are a few common issues to be aware of when talking to your gay pals.
1. People come out a lot. As in, a lot.
I came out for the very first time via email to my best friend living internationally, when I was 14. She said “Oh, cool!” and then “Do you wanna hear a German tongue twister?”
Since then, I’ve come out in tears after a break up (thanks, Mom!), in cars, in drunken rants at my 18th birthday, on social media, to new flatmates, to my Year 12 form tutor, to girl I’d met two hours earlier in Tesco, to the president of the LGBT+ society because my labels had changed and he’s lovely…
And I’m aware that I will carry on coming out to people for, basically, the rest of my life.
If you want to support a friend in their coming out, you first need to understand that there’s no one big event that will have them be out of the closet forever.
There may be bigger events than others (i.e. coming out to parents) and there may be one coming out that’s the final time it’s a formal ordeal. But life as an LGBT+ individual is often a cycle of gauging whether or not you can or should let the person you’re talking to know that you’re gay.
No matter what, always remember that even if your friends seem chill to just drop that they’re queer, don’t ever out them unless you have their explicit consent.
2. Realise that to some people, labels are important.
If your friend is struggling with their defining sexuality, do not tell them that labels don’t matter. I’m certain that when people say “Labels don’t matter!”, they mean “Labels don’t need to matter, if you don’t want them to.” But when I was struggling with how I defined myself – and when I still struggle, on a near daily basis – people telling me that “Labels aren’t important!” was kind of insulting.
Some people need labels. For a lot of people, labels are justification, validation, and a fundamental part of their identity. If your friends say they just don’t give a shit, great! But try to always be aware that some people do care, and respect that fact when you talk to them about the terms they use.
What’s more, recognise that labels are very rarely consistent. On Coming Out Day last year, I came out as a lesbian to the wider Facebook environment. Since then, I’ve had a wild ride of definitions, terms, labels and questions regarding my understanding of myself, and I’m still very much on that rollercoaster.
Being queer can be confusing, and when something so integral to who you are and who you love is that confusing, it can be scary. What’s important for you as an ally, is that you’re there to support your friends, no matter what labels, pronouns or terms they choose to use – even (and especially) if they change.
3. Stereotypes are dumb.
A best friend of yours who happens to be gay probably doesn’t appreciate being called your “gay best friend”. The short haired lesbian with flannels for days may not want you calling her “the resident butch lesbian”. Your trans friends are not all drag queens who adore RuPaul.
These stereotypes are reductive, and to a lot of LGBT+ folks, they make us feel defined solely by something that’s out of our control. Our sexualities inform a lot of who we are as people, but there’s so, so much more to who we are. Sure, I’m loudly queer, and definitely look it, but that doesn’t mean that’s all there is to me.
It should go without saying that stereotyping is a no go, but a lot of people seem to think that these labels aren’t harmful because they’re about “good” traits, and “I’m not homophobic, it’s fine!”. The issue is that many folks don’t realise that, even if they don’t perpetuate anything explicitly negative, stereotypes can just be annoying.
So keep in mind: even if you’d imagine that there’s nothing wrong with a particular stereotype, your gay friends may have a wildly different experience. We see them in the media all the time, with very few (if any!) non-stereotypical gay icons or characters to balance it out.
4. Do some research.
The LGBT+ community is comprised of so many subgroups and labels, and they are ridiculously confusing – even to us! When we use certain labels, we aren’t trying to exclude people that don’t know what they mean, we’re honestly just trying to make sense of what we feel.
No matter what, the internet is a wonderful place of information. You can find a near endless supply of resources all over the internet, for any gender or sexuality – even in the most basic introduction of what words mean.
Google should always be your first port of call, but when in doubt, ask your friends what they understand to be the case, and how they feel about things.
That being said, keep in mind that sexuality is a personal matter. Not a lot of people want to discuss the ins and outs of their attraction, or what it entails. So, if you have questions for your friends that Google didn’t answer, remember to respect boundaries, and stop if they get uncomfortable. We’re not your personal encyclopaedias, even if we are more often than not happy to answer a few short queries.
5. Don’t get defensive if you make a mistake
I know full well that when you fuck up, it hurts to be told you did something wrong. You’ll want to get defensive, and you’ll want to insist you’re not actually in the wrong. But, when discussing sexuality and gender, if you aren’t LGBT+, you will probably get something wrong at some point, and you will probably hurt people.
No matter how hard you try to be perfect, you’re a human, and you’re not flawless – that’s fine! No one can ask you to do anything but your best. “Treat your LGBT+ friends as you’d treat any friend – with kindness, compassion, and respect,” says Spencer Blackwell, president of the UoB LGBT+ Society. He adds, “The best way you can support someone who’s LGBT+ is to listen and be there for them with an open mind.”
When you make mistakes, own up to them, apologise, and genuinely try to do better. There’s nothing more you can do.
At the end of the day, just remember this: love is love. LGBT+ rights have come a long, long way, in such a short time. The very fact we have a national day celebrating something that so many people fret over and dread speaks wonders. Be respectful, be ready to learn, and remind your friends that no matter who they love, you still love them.