Ah, first date anxiety. That nauseating blend of flutters, doubts, fantasies, and flashbacks; a known feeling to those hopping from reservation to bar during the dating process. Be it with a stranger you sifted out through swipes of your screen, or a friend seen in the fresh light of something more, first dates, by their nature, come packaged with the potential for anxiety, or put more truthfully packaged with the anxiety of all their potential.
You see, first dates with their promise firmly pointed towards an unknown future, allow us to postulate all sorts of potential outcomes. The potential for a new relationship, potential to get hurt, potential to have your time wasted (although, as I will unpack, dates are never a waste of time), and in turn, all these potentials create the bedrock for catastrophizing thoughts i.e. anxiety.
Have a brief hunt on the internet, and you will find undeniably helpful, practical listicles on how to ease this age-old dilemma with a contemporary flair: hit a pre-date gym sesh, chime positive affirmations, and knock back a glass of wine. But I’ve personally found shifting between different remedies only ever offers temporary relief. Following deep breaths, a new wave of ‘what if’ scenarios and sweaty palms strike gain.
The methods don’t tackle the anxiety at its core. Alright, so what does? I’ve found a mindset shift towards having little to no expectations liberating. It is a shift towards taking things as they come and seeing the scenario for what it is, a microscopic event in the narrative of your life.
Zooming out on an upcoming date to the vantage point of two people conversing on a floating rock and not attempting to control the outcome by worrying about every possible combination of conversations and events (as it will always be futile ) does wonders. Once you accept, you don’t know what will happen or how it will shape you, or your future life becomes easier, lighter, more fun. You now get to chat with the human in front of you with a bit more presence, less jittery and tongue-tied.
You may hit it off, you may not, and that is okay. Little to no expectations isn’t just a tactic to protect yourself from disappointment. Dates are always going to leave you vulnerable, and that is the beauty of them, but you will save yourself the anxious ruminations before.
The reality is you can leave a date with an experience anywhere on the continuum from a rom-com ‘meet-cute’ to accumulating a new list of what you absolutely are not looking for in a partner. It’s all part of the journey, but going in with the attitude that what will be will be lessons the weight on your shoulders.
I would like to take the time to note here that this advice is in regard to the very colloquial use of the term ‘first date anxiety’, the common experience of anxious thoughts and feelings prior to dates. I am not talking to or trying to belittle those diagnosed with anxiety disorder and say that your problems can be solved with a quick mantra.
Likewise, when I say have little to no expectations going into the date, I don’t mean to not have requirements and desires of a potential partner. In fact, quite the opposite, you should have formed ideals around what you value in a romantic partner. Just know there’s a high chance the person sitting in front of you may not embody them, and you may not embody theirs either.
Having little to no expectations is really all about being able to cultivate healthier, more realistic and humane relationships with people. Chances are you are both a little scared and both harbouring your own traumas, hopes and fears, its normal. But having the ability to take a step back from your anxious thoughts leaves you more open to both friendship and love.
Navigating dating and anxiety is never plain sailing. Thoughts bubble in a subterranean sea of their own volition, they appear out of nowhere and can catch us off guard, but having in your emotional tool kit the ability to step back and see the date in all its humility is never a bad place to begin.