Been told that you are not the right fit? Everyone experiences rejection, and everyone has to deal with it — but how? That’s another question.
At 20 years old I have already been told ‘rejection is redirection’ countless times. It feels like a cop-out when family and friends suggest that whoever has rejected me — a job, promotion, friend, or crush — are just ‘stupid’ and ‘don’t know what they are missing.’ And yet, in some ways this cushioning feels comfortable as rejection feels worse than failure; it feels personal.
Whether in love, conversation, jobs or university, rejections appear in every aspect of our lives. The more we value the things we are hoping for — the more rejections mean to us.
In an exponentially digital and technologically advancing world, rejection is becoming more commonplace and omnipresent. Rejected follow requests, fewer picture likes, aired messages and ghosting, and small cyber rejections on Instagram, Tinder, LinkedIn, or Hinge take place every day, all the time.
Studies have shown that rejection can lead to a spectrum of responses, be it feeling the same pain as a physical injury, not being able to “think straight”; or in some cases, a compromised ability to reason analytically can lead to aggression and a substantial decrease in IQ. By driving some people to impulsive and destructive behaviours, rejection can stop people from living their lives, enhancing the risks of depression and anxiety. With such intense feelings natural and commonplace, learning how to pick ourselves up and move on once the shame or embarrassment has passed is undoubtedly a lesson worth mastering.
So, what are appropriate coping mechanisms post-rejection?
Speaking to people of all ages, I have grouped their advice into eight main categories:
- Get some space
-
It is difficult to process rejection if you are feeling intense pain. Take some space alone, sit with this and don’t project it onto others.
- Surround yourself with those who love you
-
Seek validation and reassurance from places you know you can get it. When you do not have the capacity to validate yourself, you should turn to others who can reassure you that you are not the problem.
Everyone has been rejected, and being vulnerable with people is brave. Rejection is a universal experience — reconnect with those who love you for who you are. - Dialectical Behavioural Therapy — also known as ‘self-soothing’
-
Step out of the fast paced, hustle culture of life for a minute and create a safe emotional area for yourself. Have a hot bath, move slowly, wear your favourite pyjamas, put flowers in your room, burn a scented candle and do some stretching. At times where you do not have the scope to move quickly — don’t.
- CONTINUE TO STICK TO YOUR ROUTINE WHERE YOU CAN
-
Show up to work, class etc. But don’t stretch yourself unnecessarily.
- Try not to let it define you
-
Don’t let these feelings and rejection define who you are. Although it has the potential to, it is not your attributes and achievements which define you alone but the quality of the person you continue to be.
- Look for constructive criticism
-
Immediately, or later down the line — ask someone why they rejected you. Honest feedback can lead to constructive criticism. This seems scary but has the potential to offer a pragmatic solution to learning and growing.
- Looking to the future — create a mindset and lifestyle which allows you to respond to rejections in a healthier way
-
Sleep enough, eat healthy, practise positive affirmations and journal. Knowing who you are before you get rejected means you can find yourself afterwards. Rejection does not take away from what you have already achieved and who you have made yourself.
- Remember — fate is part of life
-
At the end of the day, to an extent this is all up to fate. The recruiter who is screening your job application may be having a bad day; who you thought was the love of your life may have different life goals; and if the friendship group you so desperately want to be a part of is being exclusive, it is most probably shallow and fake. Rejection often comes from uncontrollable places; all you can do is try your best and see what happens.
So, take from this what you will. Adopt every strategy or none. Build in current healthy habits to prevent future rejections from hurting so badly, or bear in mind that these are strategies you can implement when rejection comes around. More than anything, know that you are not alone when experiencing rejection — it is inherently universal and naturally disappointing, but hopefully, these eight tips can help you recover in your own time.