HELLO LADIES! I am BACK and I am giving you all the gift of a NEW AND IMPROVED list of quotes—some of the best the male brain has to offer. A few weeks ago I asked a bunch of girls to share their weirdest interactions with guys, and the list was so unbelievable that it seemed irresponsible not to make a sequel. These quotes are douchey, they are cringey, and they are raising about a hundred red flags. Some of them are are making me want to go to the top of the SciLi and throw my laptop out the window—and yet, this is still my proudest work to date. Enjoy…
– “You look like the barmaid from Shrek from this angle.”
– “Your voice is kinda sexy but it’s also really not.”
– “Your butt is like a trampoline. Can I jump?”
– “I only get with girls who are richer than me.”
– “How do you like your eggs? Scrambled or fertilized?”
– “I assume you’re into having sex on the first night because you have a tattoo.”
– “I bet you’re hairier than me.”
– “Will you stomp on my balls?”
– “You look like you have daddy issues”
– *Gets naked and starts doing yoga*
– “Lick that yummy lollipop.”
– “Stop calling me daddy in inappropriate places.”
– “How are your boobs so much bigger than your twin’s?”
– “I can’t look your brother in the eye. I just start thinking about your naked body.”
– “I don’t know how we’ve only hooked up once, I’m not used to girls not being obsessed with me.”
– “Could you look at the vein on my dick? I think it’s getting bigger.”
– “You should be a porn star.”
– “You look like a milf with that haircut. I’ve always wanted to fuck a milf.”
– “I love your humps.”
– *during sex* “Oh my god I fucking love Deerfield.”
– “My hair is my identity.”
– “I have to have sex with someone of every race just to know what it’s like.”
– “There must be at least 30 Dear Blueno posts about me.”
– “Are you ready to fall in love?”
– “You remind me of my sister.”
– “One time I let a girl eat my ass and right after she ran outside and threw up.”
*licks my foot*
– “Just FYI, today’s national nudes day.”
– “You wanna compare ecommerce sales after this?”
– “You’re my French prostitute and I’m your Arabian prince.”
– “You can sit on my face if you want but I’m gonna keep watching Rick and Morty.”
I will be making a part 3 so if you would like your own experiences to be featured, feel free to share! (erin_gresalfi@brown.edu)