Letter to My Ex

Hey,
 
You got a chance to tell me how you felt in your BBM the other day and I thought I should reciprocate. The fact is, your BBM rattled me a little more than I was expecting and I’ve spent way more time thinking about it than I thought I would. But this is really, really not an easy situation for me, and hopefully this will help me express exactly how I’m feeling…lay it all out in the open. You can do with it what you may.
 
I guess I can start by saying that, as we both know, I have commitment issues. I’m afraid to really let anyone in because I’m afraid of feeling too close and getting too involved. I’m not really sure why. But because of that, I don’t think I’ve ever loved you the way you loved me. Did I/do I care about you? Yes, a lot actually. More than I’ve ever cared about anyone else, in that sort of romantic way. But would I say that I am head over heels in love with you? No. And to be fair to you, I don’t think it would be possible for me to feel that way about anyone at this point in my life. I’m just mentally SO far even from the thought of settling down and starting a life with someone that for me, just having someone who makes me laugh, who I can trust and who I enjoy spending time with is more than enough for me. The intensity of the feelings you had for me, while flattering, scare the crap out of me because I know I can’t reciprocate. And I hate feeling like I let people down, so when it all starts feeling too intense, I run. I’ll never feel like I can’t go on without you; that’s just how I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t care.
 
What I got from your BBM (and by all means, correct me if I’m wrong) is that for some inexplicable reason, you’d consider getting back together with me. I need to explain to you why I have so much trouble even entertaining that notion, but it might also help if you would tell me how on earth you can. First, I have every intention of leaving Montreal in a year. If I don’t get into MD/PhD programs, I’ll do just a PhD somewhere, or just an MD, or a Masters, or go volunteer in Africa for a year or something, but the fact is I need to get out of this city and I need to experience something new. So you’d have, at most, a year or so with me, because I really can’t see myself keeping up a long distance relationship for however long it takes to get through Medical school. Also, my life for the next month and a half involves virtually no free time during the day (I’m not lying; I just made myself a studying schedule). We both have exams now, then I plan to spend at least 8 hours a day in May prepping for the MCAT cause I’m starting to freak out about only having given myself 4 weeks to prepare (most people do at least 6). Thirdly, my summer will be spent working (as yours will be) and many of my nights will be spent working on school applications which seem to be the longest/most frustrating things on the planet, but I guess that’s just what I’ve got to deal with. The bottom line is, I’m not nearly as available as I used to be. Will I have some free time? Sure. Of course I will. But I want Med school more than I want just about anything else and it/school/my future career will always come first. You would have to be able to deal with that, and I could never ask that of you cause I don’t think it’s fair.
 
I’m sick of having the power and I’m sick of feeling like I control you. If I break up with you again in a year (or it’s mutual, whatever) I’ll still feel like I’m the bad guy breaking your heart again (and that’s what the consensus from everyone around us will be as well). I can’t deal with that again. I’m not saying guilt equates to heartbreak…I’m sure, actually I know, that our past break ups were harder on you than they are on me, but I don’t like hurting you. I just end up doing it (for the reasons above). And the fact is I’m getting tired of making myself feel wrong and guilty. To a certain extent it’s your fault for getting back together with me all those times. You knew, deep down, there was a good chance you were setting yourself up for heartbreak but you still went for it. I’m not mad, but it’s true. Then I feel like the asshole. I’m tired of feeling that way. Geoff you need to realize how much better you are than you give yourself credit for. I’M NOT REALLY THAT GREAT. I shouldn’t have the power. I can be manipulative and bossy and I usually try to make sure I get what I want and I need someone who can stop me in my tracks and tell me I’m being an idiot when I am. I like a bit of conflict and I don’t like being able to walk all over people, you know that. It really annoyed me insecure you would seem at times…you need to like yourself before you can like someone else (who knows, maybe that’s changed? I’m just drawing on past experiences here).
 
So here it is, all laid out. Exactly how I’m feeling. And it kills me because I hate feeling vulnerable and opening myself up, but there is something to be said for the fact that you’re the only guy I’ve liked for longer than about a week (consecutively), or at least I think there is. It scares me to think I might feel something too, but I know that if I were alone with you I would sleep with you in a heartbeat. Again, do with that what you may.
 
What’s the bottom line? I think you’re insane for still liking me. I think the next couple months will be rough. I know I would be feeling overwhelmed/under pressure/stressed a lot of the time, and that’s not really the best way to feel. I feel kind of bad for writing you an essay filled with negativity, but that’s how I feel and I think it needed to be said.
 
I don’t want to hurt you again, but we would be together for a limited time only and unless you REALLY understand that (and aren’t hoping that I’d secretly change my mind and try to make long distance work, or what have you) I know I will. I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I want there to be NO DOUBT in your mind about how I’m feeling. And yeah, it’s shitty and confusing and I don’t really know what to do. But I’m not going to be the bad guy again and break your heart again, I know that for sure.
 
Julia