I’ve had a strained relationship with different members of my family my entire life. Growing up, I was separated from my father and his family due to domestic violence, my maternal grandmother’s family over money issues, and my maternal grandfather’s family because of discrimination. Even my relationship with my mom’s sister and her children is still really strained. For me, the only consistent and dependable person was my mom.
Credit: Jericha Tavares, Jericha and her mom on their last trip
I could tell her almost anything and together we built our own little community. Being the social butterfly that she was, her coworkers became my family. We saw each other all the time, they were there at every birthday, every holiday dinner, every football Sunday. They celebrated all of my accomplishments with me, gave me advice when my mom couldn’t, and supported me as if I was their own child. It literally took a (constantly growing) village to raise me.
My mom kept us all together, and when she died, those connections seemed to fade away as well. There are no calls, maybe a random text every few months, but that’s it. Family is complicated and we often are guilted for cutting family members out of our lives.
As we recover from Thanksgiving and being around our families, remember this — toxicity is a spectrum, especially when it comes to family dynamics. It can range from small negative comments to openly abusive or manipulative behavior. As we come into ourselves and start to set our own boundaries, there comes a point when a family members negativity may be unnecessary in our lives. Sad as it is, cutting family members off is a choice we all will have to face.
In the words of a very wise writer, “we’re way too busy creating our own lives to deal with bitter old people trying to darken our outlooks on life.” Family members may not realize they’re tearing you down, but if you gently tell them their behavior isn’t okay and they don’t change, it’s time to let them go. One of the accidental beauties about college is that being away from home allows you to see how much your family impacts your lifestyle choices.
If you’re struggling to cut someone off, we recognize the difficulty. It’s especially hard to let go of family who financially supports you. Coming from a relatively wealthy family, money was always something held over my head. Letting go of my grandmother after my mom died was hard; I still send her holiday cards and occasional texts. I still feel the pain when she doesn’t respond.
Toxic relationships are difficult and these relationships disproportionately impact your life in ways you won’t even notice until it’s gone. It impacts your self-worth, any sort of future relationship, and your emotional development. If you have a grandparent, great-aunt, or similar family member that goes out of their way to embarrass you and not understand you, it’s time to cut them off and not feel anything about it.
For the greatness we’re all headed towards, we don’t have the time to be caught up in experiences that aren’t healthy or productive to our life. People who aren’t understanding and kind don’t deserve a place in your life, and there are plenty of people out there who would love the sunshine that you bring to the table.
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