I was never really one to believe in New Year’s Resolutions. They were so much fun to make and to talk about, and I always had a pretty awesome January, but none of those promises lasted longer than that first month of the New Year. That changed in 2018.
In 2018, I decided to make a different kind of resolution. I wasn’t going to “work out more” or “stay organized” or any of the other broad goals I’d set for myself in the past. My resolution was to stop making self-deprecating jokes.
I wasn’t in the best place that year. I was a senior in high school constantly stressed about college acceptances, class rank, and the thought of leaving my friends and family in less than a year to start a brand new chapter of my life in a brand new place. I started to find that with all of that on my plate, it became really easy for me to adopt the self-deprecating humor many of my friends used. In high school, it almost felt as if confidence and positive thought just weren’t interesting enough.
While the jokes I’d make about myself felt harmless, self-deprecating humor toes a narrow line with negative self-talk, which is the dialog you have with yourself in your head. Sure, I didn’t totally believe it when I said things like, “Why am I like this, I’m such a train wreck,” or “No way can I keep doing this, I’m just going to give up now.” Those weren’t really my thoughts, but being ~dramatic~ about how bad the stressful things in my life really were made me feel better in a way. The more familiar I became with those short, self-deprecating quips though, the more I’d find myself dwelling on them. When the way you talk about yourself and your life is often negative, it can become really easy to get stuck in negative thought patterns. I found that when something bad happened to me, the first thoughts in my head were those overdramatic jokes – “I literally can’t do anything right. Better to just give up hope now. My life is a mess.” Sure, I still knew they were irrational, but the more I vocalized my negative self-image, the more negative self-talk I found myself engaging in.
High school is a difficult time for any teenager. It’s awkward and stressful, and most of my life was spent running on a few hours of sleep and a lot of coffee with a huge test or assignment looming over my head. It only makes sense then that self-image can get really distorted in those few years. That’s why I made the decision to change the way I talked to and about myself. There were already so many factors working against my self-confidence just by being a high school student. I came to realize that if I learned to be kinder to myself, I’d always have at least one ally, one factor working for instead of against me.
In 2018, I became more conscious of the language I used to talk about myself. It wasn’t an easy task, and I found myself slipping up and falling into negative thought patterns pretty often. I enlisted a close friend to follow the resolution with me, and we’d remind each other when we caught the other slipping. It became almost like a game, both of us laughing at the absurdity of the self-deprecating jokes we once found funny. By the end 0f 2018, I felt my confidence had increased immensely. I can’t say that I always practiced positive self-talk, but making a conscious effort to change those thought patterns definitely affected the way I see myself and my life.
My goal in 2019 is to continue the progress I made last year, and I’m not calling that a resolution because it’s already lasted through January. I’m going to continue practicing positive self-talk and self-care so that when things are difficult and I find myself feeling overwhelmed, I still feel safe and comfortable in my own head. I’m going to be kinder to myself this year, even when my brain would rather talk like an edgy 15-year-old who thinks positivity is boring.
I can honestly say that changing the way I talk about myself is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I absolutely encourage you to try it too.
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