I feel like I’m in a time and place where great things can happen; I’m just waiting for them. There is so so much opportunity in every direction, it’s almost as if there were none at all. I see so many people every day that look interesting, that I would love to talk to. But they pass me in a second and don’t even look up, and then they’re gone. I have an endless list of cool places in my city to visit, luring me with student discounts and free bus rides— where do I start? Also, literally where are half these places? How am I going to get to know my way around this giant metropolis?
At Splash, there were about 200,000 booths to try and get to. I thought to myself, what if I accidentally join the wrong club because I missed the one that would have been perfect for me? What if I quietly pull some courage out of my booty and audition for the play, only to get rejected and have just made a fool of myself for nothing (This one actually happened)? What if every time I try to ‘put myself out there’ or let my personality show, people look at me like I’ve just chewed up some food and offered it to them? What if I never make friends for the rest of my life because I don’t know how to convince people to like me?
I know that all of these things take time and I’m overreacting. But I’m doing it on purpose! I am yearning for touch, for companionship, for laughter, for talking about nothing important! These all come from people you know, and no one knows me here. I’m sure that most of them don’t feel any inclination to know me, nor I them (lying). Okay, I do want to know them, but I just don’t want to go through such cheesy cliche rituals in order to do so. I want my relationships to form organically— actually, I just wish people could meet me and know me right away. It is draining and almost dehumanizing to have to explain myself completely in an intriguing ten-second pitch. Can’t you feel who I am? Because I can feel who you are.
I’m going to try to talk more. It hurts me to say the scripted stuff, but I will because I know that’s just how it starts. I will stop judging people that walk past me and try to see more in all these bodies I know nothing about. I will take a deep breath, for heck’s sake. Here I go.
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