I havenât been single in three years. For most of my friends at BU, the opposite is true â or, theyâre in some variation of a hookup-verging-on-relationship with a nice-ish guy they met online. Of course, for every good egg on Tinder, thereâs at least two or three larger casualties who preceded him. So, I decided to listen to my friendsâ most horrific Tinder stories and give my perspective as a taken woman (who, frankly, hasnât been single since before Tinder was a thing).Â
For the purposes of this article, Iâll be ranking the guys from 0 to 5 on the following scale, then taking the average of the three scores to determine their Boyfriend Material:
Tact: Itâs not a matter of if he came on too strong, but just how strong he came on. Also, can he form a coherent sentence? (Probably not, but letâs give him the benefit of the doubt here.)
Basic Human Decency: Gentlemen, if you take one lesson from this article, let it be this: there is a fine line between being a total jerk and being so âniceâ it verges on serial killer territory. Balance is *key.*
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: The real question is, âWould I be okay if I had to go on a double-date with this guy?â But, since the answer is most likely no (since I am a raging introvert and double-dates give me anxiety), letâs say, âWould I be disappointed if I never heard my friend talk about him again?â The closer the answer is to âyes,â the more points for awkward Tinder guy.
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1. The Mamaâs Boy
âI met this dude on Tinder (how all great stories start), so we go on one date. Chill. Then he picks me up for our second one and weâre walking and talking⊠we get sushi and Iâm like âThis dude is [actually] nice.â Then as we proceed to walk to the movie theater heâs like, âDo you mind if I call my mom really quickly?â and I say, âYeah, no problemâ [because] what if thereâs an emergency or something? You never know. (Background: I knew he still lived at home with his parents because he commutes to college.) He proceeds to tell his mom he just got off work and heâs walking to his car right now. Then he asks âIs it cool if I see a movie right now?â [His] mom says something. [He says] âYeah, Iâm just going with John.â He continues to repeatedly reassure his mom that he is, in fact, going with his âfriend Johnâ and continues to ask to see a movie⊠I swear, [itâs like] weâre in freshman year of high school [again]. After he hangs up, he tries to cover it by saying âI always tell my parents Iâm hanging with my friend John, so thatâs why I said that.â Long story short: I will not be seeing him again.âÂ
Tact: 2/5. Nothing says âIâm embarrassed to go out with youâ like lying to your momma.
Basic Human Decency: 3/5. The poor shmuck didnât seem like he was purposefully trying to do my friend any harm â but even so, you should never make a girl feel guilty for going out with you. If she thinks itâs her fault youâre lying to your mom, letâs face it: youâre never getting that third date.
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: 3/5. From what I gathered, he didnât seem like a total jerk. Just clueless. With a bit of training from an ambitious woman (other than my friend, I mean), I have hope that he could still be whipped into some serious Boyfriend Material.
Total Boyfriend Material: Â 2.7/5
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2. The Facebook Stalker
âSo my friend set up a J-Swipe account for me because she found her boyfriend off of J-Swipe somehow and is a firm believer in the fact that I need a boyfriend. And so she sets up this account for me and swipes a bunch of dudes (because Iâm not about to). She swiped on all these random people I would never swipe on⊠and this one random dude swipes back right away⊠And so she messages him back âHi.â First issue, he superliked me, and that feature is definitely for creeps. I guess he said something boring so she didnât respond â and later that day HE FRIENDS ME ON FACEBOOK [and] messages me on Facebook messenger. He sent me all these messages like âWhat are you doing right now?â and I didnât respond, and he kept messaging me. Eventually, he kept asking me to hang out and it was weird and I was clicking on it so he could see if I read it and purposefully didnât answer. He asked me where I lived (that was so weird). And then he said âWe canât text if itâs easier for youâ and he SENDS ME HIS PHONE NUMBER?! But what really ended up happening was that I googled if you could block someone and then I blocked him. Needless to say, I texted my friend and said “I do NOT think this one is boyfriend material.â
Tact: 1/5. Seriously, dude â take a hint already.
Basic Human Decency: 2/5. Whatever happened to the fundamental right to human privacy? Didnât this guy read the Constitution in high school?
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: 1/5. I might be able to stand one double-date with him, but you know the guy who canât take a hint is always the same one who cries when your friend âbreaks up with himâ after a week of texting.
Total Boyfriend Material: 1.3/5
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3. The Foot Fetish
â[One guy] sent me a GIF of some guy sucking on a girlâs dirty, nasty feet. I was like, âI donât know how to respond,â and he said, âI want to do this to you.’ I was like, âI donât think so,â and he said, âEven if I paid you?â I said, âEven if you paid me,â and he said, âWhat if I give you $200?â ⊠I said no and then he unmatched me.â
Tact: 0/5. I wouldnât know how to respond to that, either, quite frankly⊠maybe with a screencap of Spongebobâs rotting toenails?
Basic Human Decency: -5/5. You donât just ask a girl to prostitute herself on the first date. I mean, at least buy her a pizza and give her some time to call the cops first.
Overall Boyfriend Appeal: 0/5. Depends who you ask, I guess — but since prostitution is still illegal in the 50 states and I donât happen to share this guyâs foot fetish, I canât think of a single part of this conversation he deserves a point for.
Total Boyfriend Material: -0.6/5
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