Being Alone vs Being Lonely

As an introvert, I have always found a sense of comfort in solitude. Curling up in bed on a Friday night with an array of snacks, good books, and plenty of movies and tv shows to binge is an ideal night. Taking time to unwind and refocus on my life, which is already moving far faster than I want, is necessary for me to recharge. This means being alone. 

For a while, it was hard for me to come to terms with my introverted tendencies as I watched my extroverted friends make plans. I would be two episodes into a Gilmore Girls marathon and begin to wonder if they were having more fun without me. Soon, a swirling storm of anxiety would creep in and convince me that I was disconnected from all of my friends. This is being lonely. 

It took me some time to learn the balance of my “extroverted- introvert” personality. And it also took me some time to decide when I needed to recharge my social battery and when I could succumb to the desire to be included in plans. After bridging these gaps, I was able to develop routines that ensured days for myself and for friends. 

Getting to college, however, can throw a wrench into “at home” comforts. We essentially have to relearn our way of life as we balance new friendships, new classes and coursework, and a new feeling that comes with being alone. With all this newness in coming to Bucknell, I really had to think about the difference between being alone and being lonely. Living in a new place and, in my case, not really knowing anyone, I had to go out of my comfort zone in order to avoid loneliness and isolation. Staying in on the weekends at the beginning of the semester no longer meant simple relaxation, but could potentially mean a loss of friendships and interactions. But after finding my people, and establishing my own boundaries and limits to socialization, I think I have figured out how to be alone without distancing or disconnecting from others. 

Nystrom Counseling defines being alone as a physical state of being alone, while being lonely is the emotional state experienced when disconnected from others and oneself. In other words, being alone is an intentional decision to sit with yourself. It gives you opportunities to learn about yourself, refocus your center of gravity, and relax after a particularly stressful day. Essentially, you learn how to feel comfortable with yourself. Feeling lonely, however, is an emotional state that is much harder to combat. Rather than being peacefully alone, you are both physically and mentally separate from others. You can tend to hyperfixate on anxieties and insecurities that revolve around how you ended up alone and contemplations of how people view you and if you deserve to be alone. 

Loneliness is difficult to unlearn, and being alone is sometimes also hard to learn. As humans, we tend to be more social beings as we travel and connect with others in groups. But learning how to be alone is just as important as understanding ways to avoid feeling lonely. In such a simulated environment as college and in preparation for life after, it is imperative to discover and embrace the difference between the two. After all, we will not always be able or want to travel in pairs to restaurants, stores, museums, or movie theaters. And there is nothing wrong with going solo! While it is always fun to laugh and make memories with friends, making those same memories and taking the time to discover yourself are equally enriching. Ultimately, the goal is to find ways to be comfortable with yourself, at any given time, no matter who you are—or are not—around. 

• alone time
• loneliness
• self-care