Picture it. You’re walking across campus and you pass a friend who’s wearing a scarf you’ve never seen before. Your knee-jerk reaction is a simple shout to her: “I like your scarf!” What you thought was a small statement of fact turns into cause for concern as she looks around shyly, laughs under her breath, and mutters “thanks” before disappearing in the mass of students.
Some people just can’t take compliments. We’ve all been there – we extend a compliment to a friend, an acquaintance, maybe even a stranger and their response leaves something to be desired. But what we may take for apathy, ambivalence, or even pomposity is really just an inability to respond the way we expect. Sometimes we just don’t understand that compliments are no-strings-attached expressions of honesty.
There are various approaches to responding to a compliment. Some people are reciprocators, others are nervous-gigglers, or awkward-smilers, or spontaneous conversation changers. When a compliment is given, the giver isn’t particularly concerned with the response that they receive. Saying “I like your shoes” is not a con to hear “I like your dress” in return. It’s not a way of tricking someone into being shy and coquettish, or to change the subject.
But why is it that so many people find the need to match compliment to compliment? Is it that we find some show of solidarity in spreading around the warm-fuzzies? Does every compliment need to be a give and take, or would it be sufficed to say that an honest response is enough to end a complimentary exchange? Just a few kind-passing words on the way to class can turn a perfectly normal interaction into an awkward situation.
It may be a matter of confidence. Complimentees may not think they did well on that presentation, or looked beautiful at that event, or played well in that game. Or maybe it’s the way we’ve been conditioned to respond – to shuffle accomplishments and matters of pride out of the limelight and to present ourselves as humble and modest.
Most of the time when we extend compliments we truly mean them. Whether they’re about physical appearance, attitude, or accomplishments, they’re genuine expressions of opinion. Maybe it would make the process simpler to keep this in mind. Rather than projecting self-doubt onto the kind words of a friend, we can respond with a similar sense of honesty.