What We Wish We Learned in Sex Ed.

If your sexual education was anything like ours, the two main things you learned were, 1) the vagina is shaped like the Chicago bulls symbol, and 2) sperm will find you. Here is what we wish we learned in sex ed. instead:

1. The concept of virginity is socially constructed.

There is no one single way to have sex, and people can define meaningful markers of intimacy for themselves.  The normalized concept of virginity is heteronormative and male-centric, in that it defines sex as beginning with male erection and ending in male orgasm. This does a disservice to women, whose desires are largely ignored, and does a disservice to the men who want to please their partners but are not accurately taught how. Further, this ignores LGBTQIA+ experiences, oral and anal sex, rape, and the element of emotional intimacy. The concept of virginity is often used to make people feel ashamed of their sexual activity by insinuating that once a person has sex, they “lose” something about themselves that they can never get back. Our notions of virginity are often linked to perceptions of purity, but teaching people that their moral compass is between their legs is objectifying. Being a good person is about compassion, kindness, courage, and integrity. We are more than the sum of our sexual parts – we are human beings with goals, hopes, and abilities, and our moral worth is not contingent upon whether or not we have had sex. The decision to wait is a perfectly valid choice, but is not necessarily the right choice for everyone.

1. Gender identity is different than biological sex.

Anatomy is not destiny, and the social interpretation of biology does not have to limit who you are or who you can be. The way you relate to yourself and to the world is far more complex than genitalia. The binary system of gender, or the idea that everyone should fit into the two mutually exclusive, dichotomous categories of man and woman, is exclusive at best and oppressive at worst. There are innumerable gender identities, including trans man, trans woman, genderqueer, nonconforming, bigender, cisgender, agender, genderfuck, genderfluid, etc., and endless variety within these categorizations. Some people do not label their gender at all, or use umbrella terms such as trans*. Diversity is something to celebrate!

1. The clitoris is the only part of the human body designed purely for pleasure.

The clitoris is a knot of 8,000 nerve fibers- more concentrated nerve endings than in the tongue, twice as many than the penis. Sexual education and popular culture tend to ignore the clitoris and only focus on vaginal penetration, which teaches female-bodied people to be complacent with sex acts that ignore their primary sex organ.

1. Sex shouldn’t hurt.

Many young women report that they experienced pain during their first sexual experience.  This is the result of muscle tension due to nervousness. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy; in sex ed. we teach girls to fear the pain of sex, which causes tension, which causes pain. Further, when teaching teens about sex we often underplay the importance of foreplay. It can take twenty minutes for a woman’s muscles to relax enough to be truly ready for penetrative sex. Any blood usually comes from vaginal tissue tearing due to lack of lubrication- not the hymen breaking. However, for some women lack of stimulation is not the issue at all. Conditions like vaginismus and vulvodynia can also cause pain during sex. If sex hurts, it is worth talking about with your doctor and your partner.    

1. Sex won’t make you “loose.”

Vaginas differ in size just like penises do.  The vagina is like a rubber band; it is a muscle designed to stretch wide enough to have a baby, and then return to its original size. The idea that sex makes women “loose” is inaccurate, and a component of slut shaming discourse.

1. Libidos are not gendered.

It is okay for women to be open about liking and wanting sex. It is okay for men to be open about not being animals enslaved by their sex drives. Gendered differences in desire have been proven as socially constructed.  These differences have been shown to diminish overtime with more progressive generations, in countries with more equitable distributions of power, and when the perceived stigma of being slut-shamed is controlled for in female subjects. Sexuality is all about personal preference, and making stereotypes about what people do or do not want based on your perception of their gender does not help anyone.

1. Sexuality is not a binary.

Sexuality is not just a choice between gay and straight. People can be queer, bisexual, lesbian, pansexual, polysexual, asexual, demisexual, lithiosexual, cupiosexual, etc.  Your sexual orientation, which refers to the genders you are attracted to physically in relation to your own, and your romantic orientation, which refers to the genders you are attracted to emotionally in relation to your own, do not have to be the same thing. Labels were designed to fit people- people were not designed to fit labels. However you want to conceptualize, or not conceptualize, your sexuality is perfectly fine.  Most importantly, a person’s sexuality has nothing to do with the fact that they deserve compassion and respect.    

1. Continuous. Consent. Is. Mandatory.

Communicating verbally before engaging in sexual activity is imperative. Talking about your own and your partner’s sexual desires, needs, and limitations provide a basis of safety and mutual enjoyment. “No” does not mean “convince me,” and the absence of a no does not mean yes. Flirting, wearing revealing clothing, agreeing to go back to someone’s room etc. is NOT consent. A person who is mentally or physically incapacitated is incapable of giving consent. Saying yes to one sexual act does not imply yes to every sexual act, and saying yes once does not imply yes every time.  People can change their mind at any point, and it is your moral and legal responsibility to continuously ensure that your partner is comfortable.  

Basically, we wish that sex ed. taught us that sex should be safe, shame-free and based on informed, personal choices. You can have sex as many times as you want with whomever you want, or you cannot have sex at all. Your body is yours and yours alone; whatever decisions you want to make about your sexuality are okay.

Source: http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/09/lies-to-stop-teaching-girls/

Resource for readers: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/