“ADHD is only for children. You’re just lazy. Quit being so emotional. Well then set more alarms if you know you’re always late.”
For years I thought my inability to focus was due to boredom, lack of interest and lack of sleep. I thought I was late because I’m Italian and Puerto Rican and being on time is not a concept that exists. I thought my moodiness and sensitivity were anger issues and depression. That I forgot to do chores and other responsibilities because I was lazy and irresponsible. That I would dance all the time because I am a dancer. That everyone’s brain went 20 miles a minute jumping from topic to topic.
If you read the title, then you know what made me realize those things weren’t true.
In 2020 two things happened that led me to seek out an ADHD diagnosis; I started seeing more ADHD content on Instagram that I kept relating to and I experienced a few deaths, my grief making my ADHD more powerful! The summer of 2021, on the same day, my mother and I both received an ADHD diagnosis from two different therapists. Since then our lives individually and our relationship has changed for the better.
Each day is a new realization about my ADHD which often makes me cry. How simpler some things could’ve been had I been diagnosed earlier. How frustrating it is to be sitting in a class and know why I cannot focus. How some parts of my ADHD feel so debilitating. I should note that I am currently not on medication as I just don’t feel ready yet. I wanna get to know my ADHD more without it and ways that I can manage without medication, if I can.
I often look back and think, how were the signs missed? Well for one, my ADHD is more inattentive, so in comparison to other classmates and friends who have ADHD, I did not think I had it. Plus the fact that my mom always went years without a diagnosis, made her miss some of the signs in me. Now we learn together and see what we missed in each other and how everything makes sense now.
While sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much I am learning about myself, trying to get through the challenges I have too, I am living more authentically. I know when I am masking now and allow myself to unmask more because why hide? It is a wonderful thing to understand yourself, especially when it feels overdue.