If you haven’t heard the news already, 2018’s most hasty celebrity engagement has split apart. I’m not immensely shook, but left with many lingering questions. Will Ari still perform “pete davidson” live? Will Pete talk about the split with candor on “Weekend Update,” as he does with everything else in his life? Who’s gonna get custody of the pig, dammit?
The worst part is that lots of couples were probably planning on going as Ariana and Pete for Halloween, specifically in this outfit:
My main man Tabasko Sweet from Super Deluxe’s “Cheap Thrills” even made a video with Jamie Loftus about how to recreate this look. What a waste.
If your Halloween costume with bae has been ruined, I’d like to provide you with some more options. Most of them are pretty hetero, I know, but a lot of them are also inanimate objects, so take it all with a grain of salt. Or a grain of SPOOKY. Yeah, that doesn’t make sense. Happy frickin’ October.
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga in ‘A Star Is Born’
It’s very relevant and very now. You probably have a black tank top in your closet. Your boyfriend definitely has a gray t-shirt and a Carhartt jacket. Get a hat from a fast fashion store and some cheetah pants from a thrift store. Now you can act like you’ve seen the movie, and you don’t even have to see the movie!
Janet and Jiannu/Jason from ‘The Good Place’
One of you is not a monk, the other is not a robot. You can pull this off. Dress as the most confusing couple from NBC’s best original comedy right now. (But first, PLEASE watch The Good Place if you haven’t done so already.)
Hormone Monster and Hormone Monstress from ‘Big Mouth’
I see you horny, hairy couples out there looking for inspiration from this animated Netflix original (and my current obsession). Now get some horns and furry pants and go nuts. (It helps if one of you carries a bag of dicks.)
The NBC Peacock and Detective Rosa Diaz
You know, because Brooklyn Nine-Nine got resurrected by NBC? You can see where my priorities are.
Noah Centineo and the Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji
How long does it take to fall in love with this idea? Depends how fast you jump.
Gabriel Gundacker and Zendaya (as Meechee)
Optional third: Lebron James as Gwangi. Danny DeVito as Dorgle?
Liam Neeson and the Horse Who Recognized Him From Another Movie
Disappointed Kanye West Fan and Elated Taylor Swift Fan
The reckoning for the 2009 VMA incident has come in an unexpected way. Laugh your last laugh, Swifties. And Ye fans, a good excuse to look cool sad in your merch from the “808s and Heartbreak” days.
Moth and Lamp